Sunday, March 30, 2008
question
why is there a dead mouse in my dining room? During the time it took just now for me to go into the cellar, put clothes in the dryer and start a new load of laundry, a dead creature has been deposited in the (well-travelled) doorway between the kitchen and dining room. was it the cat? was it the dog? where had it been before I went downstairs? Pickles isn't saying anything.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
I don't like to balance
Last feb - may 2007 or so I started taking Bikram yoga fairly regularly. I really liked the way it made my body feel and I got pretty flexible.
My least favorite poses were the ones where they included balancing on one foot: the tree and the standing head to knee. Meanwhile, the eagle, bow and stick, although they are balancing poses, I was more able to do them, not for the full 60 seconds, but I could almost do them alright and so would have more inclination to try to get back into the poses when I fall out. Anyway, I didn't like the balancing poses very much.
On June 26th, I broke my ankle. I had stopped doing bikram more than a month before that because the man, Charlie, who owned the Northampton/Sunderland Bikram, was a total dick and I didn't want to get him my money. After breaking my ankle, I often found myself inadvertently balancing on my left foot. I missed sweating and stretching but there are no other nearby Bikram classes so I stayed sedentary. Fast forward to January 26, 2008 and what happens? I break my other ankle and spend a solid 10 days balancing on my right foot. So bizarre.
I still miss the Bikram work out and I found out in Putney on Friday nights there is a class and I vow to go, which I did yesterday.
Forget about the balancing poses, especially on the newly broken ankle. I can sort of do balancing stick on both, can do a little bit of the bow on the right foot but I cannot balance on my toes in the awkward. I've always loved the fixed firm. It felt so good and I was always able to go right into it. Now, whenever the pose starts with sitting on my feet, I'm fucked, I can't do it. I can't sit on my feet. I'm afraid and it hurts. waah.
I think I am going to continue going on Fridays in Putney. I would like to do it and I cannot get any worse! The teacher is understanding and although I feel frustrated from the first time out, I believe bodies can recoup and so I would like to help mine do so.
My least favorite poses were the ones where they included balancing on one foot: the tree and the standing head to knee. Meanwhile, the eagle, bow and stick, although they are balancing poses, I was more able to do them, not for the full 60 seconds, but I could almost do them alright and so would have more inclination to try to get back into the poses when I fall out. Anyway, I didn't like the balancing poses very much.
On June 26th, I broke my ankle. I had stopped doing bikram more than a month before that because the man, Charlie, who owned the Northampton/Sunderland Bikram, was a total dick and I didn't want to get him my money. After breaking my ankle, I often found myself inadvertently balancing on my left foot. I missed sweating and stretching but there are no other nearby Bikram classes so I stayed sedentary. Fast forward to January 26, 2008 and what happens? I break my other ankle and spend a solid 10 days balancing on my right foot. So bizarre.
I still miss the Bikram work out and I found out in Putney on Friday nights there is a class and I vow to go, which I did yesterday.
Forget about the balancing poses, especially on the newly broken ankle. I can sort of do balancing stick on both, can do a little bit of the bow on the right foot but I cannot balance on my toes in the awkward. I've always loved the fixed firm. It felt so good and I was always able to go right into it. Now, whenever the pose starts with sitting on my feet, I'm fucked, I can't do it. I can't sit on my feet. I'm afraid and it hurts. waah.
I think I am going to continue going on Fridays in Putney. I would like to do it and I cannot get any worse! The teacher is understanding and although I feel frustrated from the first time out, I believe bodies can recoup and so I would like to help mine do so.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
good coffee good face
I have my new bright brown pants on this morning and I'm feeling pretty good. The frisbee was bobbled a bit but I recovered it and I am strong enough to toss it 50 yards in a straight line.
My ankle might not be able to support me as I run over the rutted field but if I stand stock still in some shin-height rolling ocean with smooth sand underfoot, then I'm safe.
yep, feeling pretty good about these pants.
photo of me and my pants at Gettysburg by DbR
My ankle might not be able to support me as I run over the rutted field but if I stand stock still in some shin-height rolling ocean with smooth sand underfoot, then I'm safe.
yep, feeling pretty good about these pants.
photo of me and my pants at Gettysburg by DbR
Monday, March 24, 2008
sigh
back at work.
overwhelmed.
having some very nice coffee.
not sure of anything.
photo of little bird at Gettysburg by DbR
overwhelmed.
having some very nice coffee.
not sure of anything.
photo of little bird at Gettysburg by DbR
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
vacationing in nashville, tn
I worry a little about Pickles as I am surrounded by 3 other dogs who are pretty fun and funny.
I'm pretty sure he's fine and most of his needs are met but I bet he's a little lonely. Little dog.
The vacation is going well. I sang some righteous karaoke and enjoyed some seedy nightlife at the "bongwater" aka Sweetwater, a divey bar near the Parthenon. The Parthenon was lovely to see and DbR + I are leading a fairly relaxed existence amongst the background of his childhood home. It's nice that there are parents out there who stay together and live in the lovely house which they have been in forever. I'll never feel the same way about the house I grew up in, even though my father still lives there, it will always be my mother's home from when I was a child and now it is just kind of cold and empty with him in there. I guess it would have made more sense to me in my heart and head if she stayed there and kept it warm and lovely and he took one of his apartments at Sedgwick Street. But that's not the way it worked out and although my mom has acquired a pretty nice little house, it's not history.
That's okay, I have always wanted to make my own history anyway and although it is too late for that, I can surround myself with things which please me and move forward through the every day as if I belonged somewhere.
I'm pretty sure he's fine and most of his needs are met but I bet he's a little lonely. Little dog.
The vacation is going well. I sang some righteous karaoke and enjoyed some seedy nightlife at the "bongwater" aka Sweetwater, a divey bar near the Parthenon. The Parthenon was lovely to see and DbR + I are leading a fairly relaxed existence amongst the background of his childhood home. It's nice that there are parents out there who stay together and live in the lovely house which they have been in forever. I'll never feel the same way about the house I grew up in, even though my father still lives there, it will always be my mother's home from when I was a child and now it is just kind of cold and empty with him in there. I guess it would have made more sense to me in my heart and head if she stayed there and kept it warm and lovely and he took one of his apartments at Sedgwick Street. But that's not the way it worked out and although my mom has acquired a pretty nice little house, it's not history.
That's okay, I have always wanted to make my own history anyway and although it is too late for that, I can surround myself with things which please me and move forward through the every day as if I belonged somewhere.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Three pants in 3 days
i bought myself 3 pairs of pants in the past week and i have to hem each pair as my inseam is 27 and waist is too big.
now i must work on the final pair which i would like to wear today.
meanwhile, the idea of combing my hair seems fruitless
didn't go out to see a studio band play last night. i regret it now, as i usually do when i opt for snoozing instead of live music. oh well. this morning has been chock full of laughs and good times even though i've barely left a 5 ft. area.
my face is very dry.
now i must work on the final pair which i would like to wear today.
meanwhile, the idea of combing my hair seems fruitless
didn't go out to see a studio band play last night. i regret it now, as i usually do when i opt for snoozing instead of live music. oh well. this morning has been chock full of laughs and good times even though i've barely left a 5 ft. area.
my face is very dry.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Happy St. Patrick's Day~
whee! lets drink beer. oh, yeah, that is everyday.
Hey, im in nashville, tn and i think i am going to go buy some shoes! my ankle is better and would like to sport something more interesting than these LLBean rubbers.
im hoping for some doc martin maryjanes-something clunky and sassy that i can dance in.
Hey, im in nashville, tn and i think i am going to go buy some shoes! my ankle is better and would like to sport something more interesting than these LLBean rubbers.
im hoping for some doc martin maryjanes-something clunky and sassy that i can dance in.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
Dog on Dog Kind of Day
I've been walking the dog. Or should I say, "limping" the dog? I started small and now I am up to the usual lunchtime dog walk. Used to take me 15 minutes. I'll let you know when I get up to speed. Now it's about 1/2 hour, but I didn't time carefully.
Today is cold but sunny and at this time of day (5 pm), there is prevalent dog walking traffic. We saw a lady with a big grey terrier walking in front of us in the same direction. When she went into her house with Grey, Pickles wanted to join them. Then we saw a loose dog up the sidewalk, heading in our direction. I don't want to tangle so I crossed the street, never a sure move. The dog was white, longish hair with dalmatian dots and dashes. The dog's face was charming but I was in no condition to make nice as Pickles is unpredictable and with my achy, (also unpredictable) ankle I was cautious.
I made Pickles sit and we watched the dog approach casually down the sidewalk across the street. I glanced around and I saw another dog walker-actually a couple-also at a halt, on the same side of the street as loose whitey, watching his moves. The woman saw me and asked, "Do you know him?" I replied that I did not and we observed the dog stand around a little and walk a little and then a car pulled up and the whole family got out at the house near the dog and it became clear the dog belonged there, to them.
"Don't ask who left him out!" The mother exclaimed wryly. She looked familiar to me. I liked her immediately. Pickles and I continued on our way. When I glanced back at the other dogwalkers I saw that they were walking a monster bulldog. Cute. A couple houses up and there was a young guy walking his smallish doberman. We again avoided. My legs felt tired. Dog is looking out window now.
Today is cold but sunny and at this time of day (5 pm), there is prevalent dog walking traffic. We saw a lady with a big grey terrier walking in front of us in the same direction. When she went into her house with Grey, Pickles wanted to join them. Then we saw a loose dog up the sidewalk, heading in our direction. I don't want to tangle so I crossed the street, never a sure move. The dog was white, longish hair with dalmatian dots and dashes. The dog's face was charming but I was in no condition to make nice as Pickles is unpredictable and with my achy, (also unpredictable) ankle I was cautious.
I made Pickles sit and we watched the dog approach casually down the sidewalk across the street. I glanced around and I saw another dog walker-actually a couple-also at a halt, on the same side of the street as loose whitey, watching his moves. The woman saw me and asked, "Do you know him?" I replied that I did not and we observed the dog stand around a little and walk a little and then a car pulled up and the whole family got out at the house near the dog and it became clear the dog belonged there, to them.
"Don't ask who left him out!" The mother exclaimed wryly. She looked familiar to me. I liked her immediately. Pickles and I continued on our way. When I glanced back at the other dogwalkers I saw that they were walking a monster bulldog. Cute. A couple houses up and there was a young guy walking his smallish doberman. We again avoided. My legs felt tired. Dog is looking out window now.
Friday, March 07, 2008
yesterday and tomorrow
The roofers came yesterday and found they did not have the correct implements and materials to successfully complete my job so they put it off until today-Friday.
A coincidence, however minimal, occurred with my good friend, DbR, who is waiting for some parts to come in for his car to get repaired and those parts inscrutably weren't available for his job to be completed.
These strangenesses take place in my life with more and more frequency as the asteroid which is set to wipe out life on planet earth propels forward closer and closer. I'm going to try to remember to note them here with the label, "coincidence".
And so. Coffee coffee coffee.
A coincidence, however minimal, occurred with my good friend, DbR, who is waiting for some parts to come in for his car to get repaired and those parts inscrutably weren't available for his job to be completed.
These strangenesses take place in my life with more and more frequency as the asteroid which is set to wipe out life on planet earth propels forward closer and closer. I'm going to try to remember to note them here with the label, "coincidence".
And so. Coffee coffee coffee.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
8 a.m. Waiting For Roofers
I'm considering a home equity loan and I can't stop thinking about all the things around the Bricker which need help and upkeep. Then, there is the whole wave of things I just want: screen doors, paintjobs, roof.
I also have a serious dutch door fantasy which involves reading on the back porch with my future roommate-to-be and I handing each other drinks and snacks over the open part from the kitchen while the dogs badger us about the meat we have sizzling on the bbq. He, on the other hand, lusts after a chain link fence which will keep dogs secure and active.
I also have serious plans for 2-3 more replacement windows and an insulation event. The basement needs a serious overhaul as well. My friend Karen lives in an apartment which has the most amazing basement. Every wall, every corner, is broom swept clean and painted white where it can be...meanwhile, fresh foil covered insulation hangs tidily over the seepy Greenfield stone walls. It's bright and super-lovely. I would like mine to look as nice. More lighting is needed. I should have an electrician come in and put an outlet in the upstairs hallway as well as a light fixture in the downstairs hallway and fix the bum light fixture on the ceiling of the baby room. That's never worked.
And oh, the bathroom.
I also have a serious dutch door fantasy which involves reading on the back porch with my future roommate-to-be and I handing each other drinks and snacks over the open part from the kitchen while the dogs badger us about the meat we have sizzling on the bbq. He, on the other hand, lusts after a chain link fence which will keep dogs secure and active.
I also have serious plans for 2-3 more replacement windows and an insulation event. The basement needs a serious overhaul as well. My friend Karen lives in an apartment which has the most amazing basement. Every wall, every corner, is broom swept clean and painted white where it can be...meanwhile, fresh foil covered insulation hangs tidily over the seepy Greenfield stone walls. It's bright and super-lovely. I would like mine to look as nice. More lighting is needed. I should have an electrician come in and put an outlet in the upstairs hallway as well as a light fixture in the downstairs hallway and fix the bum light fixture on the ceiling of the baby room. That's never worked.
And oh, the bathroom.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
hey, little doooooooooooooooooooooooog!
Stopover overnight in Northampton at Casa David's while I get my brother south to Bradley Airport. Morningtime isn't bad with the appearance of coffee and boyfriend in upstairs sleeping chamber. Patrick tries to numb himself to prepare for flight.
Host takes a shower and reapplys pyjamas-both men smoke cigarettes in the kitchen while Peretz and I enjoy our mutual appreciation society as a train whistles by the town.
I think Spring is planning a trip north. I'll believe it when I see/feel it.
Host takes a shower and reapplys pyjamas-both men smoke cigarettes in the kitchen while Peretz and I enjoy our mutual appreciation society as a train whistles by the town.
I think Spring is planning a trip north. I'll believe it when I see/feel it.
Saturday, March 01, 2008
March First
Man, I'm sure ready for Spring, ya'll.
Week's visit with the brother is wearing me thin. I hope I am not too annoying to others as a ripple effect, oh, boy.
Today I came to town with DbR and after dropping kid off at galpal's house immediately fell fast/dead asleep at his house. I interrupted some plans we had had for the day by snoozing right through the afternoon. He seemed nice enough to forgive/tolerate such rudeness. Oh, well, I guess I needed to shut down.
Felt guilty later because we had left our visitor up in Greenfield so I made elaborate plans to get him carted south to join us for dinner and a movie. He still seemed miserable and later asked to be dropped off in town at the bar.
I came home and made my apologies to the kid, came upstairs to catch up with myself and my secret internet life, ha ha.
Actually just going to continue with 1876, at long last.
Week's visit with the brother is wearing me thin. I hope I am not too annoying to others as a ripple effect, oh, boy.
Today I came to town with DbR and after dropping kid off at galpal's house immediately fell fast/dead asleep at his house. I interrupted some plans we had had for the day by snoozing right through the afternoon. He seemed nice enough to forgive/tolerate such rudeness. Oh, well, I guess I needed to shut down.
Felt guilty later because we had left our visitor up in Greenfield so I made elaborate plans to get him carted south to join us for dinner and a movie. He still seemed miserable and later asked to be dropped off in town at the bar.
I came home and made my apologies to the kid, came upstairs to catch up with myself and my secret internet life, ha ha.
Actually just going to continue with 1876, at long last.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
snowy and snowy
today i came home from work and shovelled my sidewalk. it felt pretty good to do the job and complete the task. during the last little bit of the move i looked back and there was another sticky layer on top of the surface i had just cleared. i shovelled it up and the snow continued to lay on me and the sidewalk during every minute of the exercise. after 2 clearings i went inside. there are just so many times one can let one's intentions be known before the repetition becomes tiresome. i can't fight the flakes. they are relentless.
Monday, February 25, 2008
hungry
hungry at my desk. haven't eaten anything since a cupcake at DbR's last night, circa 10:44 pm. Sure, he offered me a sandwich but I didn't want it. Now, hungry. Will be leaving desk and office in search for food. Maybe just over at the Big Y...still contemplating course of action at this time.
Hungry.
Hungry.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Never have enough
Sitting with our respective lappys in a clean and well-appointed albeit slightly sterile hotel room in rhinebeck, ny, I prod my travel partner for a blog post. I immediately regret my request when he reacts somewhat defensively. I think I just haven't drank enough booze. ha.
I'm superglad DbR agrees with me that a more used, more "seasoned" inn room would be more desireable than this one. This has all the amenaties and is perfectly clean, etc. but has very little personality. The most personality I can glean is the collection of 8-9 paperbacks in a cornershelf. I don't regret being here with my love, but it's not a room I would go crazy over and want to repeat visit.
Meanwhile, Beekman Arms, the tavern where Henry and Nancy, David and I ate dinner, was very lovely and felt great to visit. The beams and ceilings are very low and I imagine George Washington and Alexander Hamilton stooping down to pass under them many years ago as DbR had to tonight. We all ate meat and drank beers, cabernet and the birthday boy drank a fancy scotch. "Happy Birthday" was sang and we watched Nancy eat her strawberry shortcake.
We ponder our later moves in the chessgame of the Birthday Weekend as we type on our lappys like the modern couple of lovers we are.
I'm superglad DbR agrees with me that a more used, more "seasoned" inn room would be more desireable than this one. This has all the amenaties and is perfectly clean, etc. but has very little personality. The most personality I can glean is the collection of 8-9 paperbacks in a cornershelf. I don't regret being here with my love, but it's not a room I would go crazy over and want to repeat visit.
Meanwhile, Beekman Arms, the tavern where Henry and Nancy, David and I ate dinner, was very lovely and felt great to visit. The beams and ceilings are very low and I imagine George Washington and Alexander Hamilton stooping down to pass under them many years ago as DbR had to tonight. We all ate meat and drank beers, cabernet and the birthday boy drank a fancy scotch. "Happy Birthday" was sang and we watched Nancy eat her strawberry shortcake.
We ponder our later moves in the chessgame of the Birthday Weekend as we type on our lappys like the modern couple of lovers we are.
Friday, February 22, 2008
ow
Have a raging headache with a side of nausea. Sitting at my desk at work waiting for the pills and alka setzer gold to kick in.
Want to throw up a little bit
Want to throw up a little bit
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
candy day, candy land
At work I am the purchaser, which includes the bimonthly task of going out to BJs or wherever and buying 4 or 5 big bags of candy which I then empty into a box, mix up thoroughly and place in my boss, the CEO's, candy basket in her office. People from the immediate office vicinity and even others from distance office locales all descend upon the candy basket, usually around this time of day looking for a chocolate pick me up.
I usually get twizzlers or even some other kind of fruity candy as it is what I favor and it is nice to have a change of flavor, next to the chocolate onslaught. Today, at long last, I dragged a coworker along and we went to the BJs. We bought some easter egg-y type treats, as well as the usual favorites and for the fruity candy I saw and grabbed a large container of Sunkist fruit gems, five different colors of soft fruity gel candy-ness. These were the ones I took a few of back to my desk after coming back to the office and shaking all the candy down into the basket. Word got out and peops started filing in looking for a treat, the basket having been depleted a week or more ago.
My other boss came in. "Candy, candy, who's got the candy?" she sang and swung into the office. I heard her exclaim and catch her breath as she saw the goods. It was quite dramatic. "What? Why did you just make that noise?" I called to her. She came out, grinning. "Remember when you left to go buy candy and you asked me if there was anything special I wanted? Well, I was going to ask you to get these." She showed me a couple of green fruity gems.
"Oh my god, that is amazing!" I agreed.
"Thanks a lot, Lauri!" She said with sincerity and took off down the hall with a hand full.
That's why I'm here.
I usually get twizzlers or even some other kind of fruity candy as it is what I favor and it is nice to have a change of flavor, next to the chocolate onslaught. Today, at long last, I dragged a coworker along and we went to the BJs. We bought some easter egg-y type treats, as well as the usual favorites and for the fruity candy I saw and grabbed a large container of Sunkist fruit gems, five different colors of soft fruity gel candy-ness. These were the ones I took a few of back to my desk after coming back to the office and shaking all the candy down into the basket. Word got out and peops started filing in looking for a treat, the basket having been depleted a week or more ago.
My other boss came in. "Candy, candy, who's got the candy?" she sang and swung into the office. I heard her exclaim and catch her breath as she saw the goods. It was quite dramatic. "What? Why did you just make that noise?" I called to her. She came out, grinning. "Remember when you left to go buy candy and you asked me if there was anything special I wanted? Well, I was going to ask you to get these." She showed me a couple of green fruity gems.
"Oh my god, that is amazing!" I agreed.
"Thanks a lot, Lauri!" She said with sincerity and took off down the hall with a hand full.
That's why I'm here.
smushed toes
My toes are squeezed into sneakers with my aircast and it doesn't feel great. I guess I may just take the sneaker off while I am at work.
When I got to my desk this morning at work, there was a small box of Dots, anonymously left by someone who knows my proclivity. Touched my heart.
In other news, I find from my roofing guy that I should replace 1/3rd of my roof. It is the very top part which is flat and untold years old and very worn. The rest of the roof is at an angle and has lovely slate on it, which is doing very well. But this top part holds onto the snow, sleet and suchlike and ergo, the leak, the drip. He thinks I should replace this flat top with a sturdier material with a longer life than the crap which is up there now. I don't doubt he is right about this. Even though he did some repair/patch work on the area of the leak out there, the drip continues. Now I am worried about the inside of the roof bit. What's the damage in there? How does one tell? There is no crawl space where the drip commences and so I am baffled as to how one would go about repair work in this area. I suppose my bedroom ceiling can be removed/replaced in the obtainment of securing this obscure area. Something to think about.
When I got to my desk this morning at work, there was a small box of Dots, anonymously left by someone who knows my proclivity. Touched my heart.
In other news, I find from my roofing guy that I should replace 1/3rd of my roof. It is the very top part which is flat and untold years old and very worn. The rest of the roof is at an angle and has lovely slate on it, which is doing very well. But this top part holds onto the snow, sleet and suchlike and ergo, the leak, the drip. He thinks I should replace this flat top with a sturdier material with a longer life than the crap which is up there now. I don't doubt he is right about this. Even though he did some repair/patch work on the area of the leak out there, the drip continues. Now I am worried about the inside of the roof bit. What's the damage in there? How does one tell? There is no crawl space where the drip commences and so I am baffled as to how one would go about repair work in this area. I suppose my bedroom ceiling can be removed/replaced in the obtainment of securing this obscure area. Something to think about.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I can't make a good cup of coffee to save my life
I've been going through an unfortunate stage where I can't quite get my coffee dimensions right in the pot and my cups of joe turn out too strong or a little bit..not right. I hope I turn the corner regarding this situation soon.
Meanwhile, my ankle is getting better. I am toddling about without crutches and can even go without the cane I have acquired. I like to have the cane, though. Today I will try to drive to work using my left foot to shift gears. That'll be interesting. Let's hope I can get the car out. Last night the boyfriend couldn't quite lift it off the ice. It would suck if this continues true this morning. argh.
Lastly, in my bedroom, there is a leak in the ceiling coming from the roof-either a broken slate or perhaps the skylight is fucked, I don't know because I am no roofer. My roof is atop a large 3 story house and it scares me to think of someone up there but it must happen. The dripping is getting worse and it definitely dampens my enjoyment of sitting in bed reading. Sure, I can still enjoy my book but every so often (about every 10 drips or so), I get distracted by the water flow and start to worry and fret. Well, I finally called the roofer and he said he'd come over this afternoon. I won't be here to witness the ascent but I will be worried about it all day long. I said to the guy, "Be careful. I know you know your business but when I think of someone way up there, I get a little worried." He said thanks and hung up.
"Jealous Guy" by John Lennon keeps playing in my head, thanks to the piped in music at Rein's Deli last Sunday afternoon.
Meanwhile, my ankle is getting better. I am toddling about without crutches and can even go without the cane I have acquired. I like to have the cane, though. Today I will try to drive to work using my left foot to shift gears. That'll be interesting. Let's hope I can get the car out. Last night the boyfriend couldn't quite lift it off the ice. It would suck if this continues true this morning. argh.
Lastly, in my bedroom, there is a leak in the ceiling coming from the roof-either a broken slate or perhaps the skylight is fucked, I don't know because I am no roofer. My roof is atop a large 3 story house and it scares me to think of someone up there but it must happen. The dripping is getting worse and it definitely dampens my enjoyment of sitting in bed reading. Sure, I can still enjoy my book but every so often (about every 10 drips or so), I get distracted by the water flow and start to worry and fret. Well, I finally called the roofer and he said he'd come over this afternoon. I won't be here to witness the ascent but I will be worried about it all day long. I said to the guy, "Be careful. I know you know your business but when I think of someone way up there, I get a little worried." He said thanks and hung up.
"Jealous Guy" by John Lennon keeps playing in my head, thanks to the piped in music at Rein's Deli last Sunday afternoon.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
How Long That I Have Waited..
I listen to songs by Burt Bacharach and even though I know that love in life comes and goes, I still feel triumphant, like the kid I was back at Lake Ontario when I would jump off the rowboat with my brother and a friend or two in water a couple feet over my head and search the surrounding sandy bottom for whatever treasure we decided to throw into the water that day, coming to the surface with the thing I had found, showing it off proudly.
The simple childhood game would have us throwing the thing in, sometimes watching it descend into the water, sometimes throwing it over our shoulders and not looking. Then we would all dive in, off the boat, and swim swim swim to the bottom and by feeling around or opening our eyes we would search for the thing. One favorite item to seek was the metal ladder we would use to climb up into the boat with from the water. It would fill up with water (it was hollow) and sink down. The first time we had to go after it, it was a mistake. Someone had dropped it and, horrified, we watched it sink deeper and deeper. We jumped in after it and after a hurried search, I felt the thing under my hands and I dragged it up to the surface, eagerly reattaching it to the boat. After that first mistake we used it as our prey often. It was big and easy to find but not too easy as it was light enough to drift about. I have always been a finder. When people lose something around me I am always up for a search. I love to be the one who discovers the missing.
My brother is visiting from Alaska this month and we haven't really hung out in a long time the way we are hanging out now. It's a little bit hard getting used to being with him. I see him do things that worry me and I can't help but feel uptight about it and I'm not going to shut up about my feelings, I trust he wouldn't want me to, but I do understand that my delivery may be a little bit..harried or annoyed/annoying.
One thing which is nice is that he and I have both found love. Right now we are both embroiled in love relationships which aren't more than two months old and I like that we both have the excitement. He is hanging out with me and DbR and it's obvious he can see the love and enjoyment. I can tell he would like to share his love with me because he says things like, "You would really like Blueberry." and "I hope you and Blueberry get to meet, you would like her." He and I compared our lonely years without companions and we are pretty much on the same trajectory, which is interesting.
Hard won, this love and happiness. Sought and found, after many lonely moon cycles. We come to the surface of the lonely lake with our hands full of our love, eager to show off our prizes.
It's nice to hear the Bacharach and feel the sweet, not so much the bitter.
The simple childhood game would have us throwing the thing in, sometimes watching it descend into the water, sometimes throwing it over our shoulders and not looking. Then we would all dive in, off the boat, and swim swim swim to the bottom and by feeling around or opening our eyes we would search for the thing. One favorite item to seek was the metal ladder we would use to climb up into the boat with from the water. It would fill up with water (it was hollow) and sink down. The first time we had to go after it, it was a mistake. Someone had dropped it and, horrified, we watched it sink deeper and deeper. We jumped in after it and after a hurried search, I felt the thing under my hands and I dragged it up to the surface, eagerly reattaching it to the boat. After that first mistake we used it as our prey often. It was big and easy to find but not too easy as it was light enough to drift about. I have always been a finder. When people lose something around me I am always up for a search. I love to be the one who discovers the missing.
My brother is visiting from Alaska this month and we haven't really hung out in a long time the way we are hanging out now. It's a little bit hard getting used to being with him. I see him do things that worry me and I can't help but feel uptight about it and I'm not going to shut up about my feelings, I trust he wouldn't want me to, but I do understand that my delivery may be a little bit..harried or annoyed/annoying.
One thing which is nice is that he and I have both found love. Right now we are both embroiled in love relationships which aren't more than two months old and I like that we both have the excitement. He is hanging out with me and DbR and it's obvious he can see the love and enjoyment. I can tell he would like to share his love with me because he says things like, "You would really like Blueberry." and "I hope you and Blueberry get to meet, you would like her." He and I compared our lonely years without companions and we are pretty much on the same trajectory, which is interesting.
Hard won, this love and happiness. Sought and found, after many lonely moon cycles. We come to the surface of the lonely lake with our hands full of our love, eager to show off our prizes.
It's nice to hear the Bacharach and feel the sweet, not so much the bitter.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
fucking dogs
Ok, I have a broken ankle, have I mentioned that? Anyway, I am pretty sick of being all up in bed and queasy and lame, etc. so I came home at 4 30 and started hanging around my office/dining room and clearing off the desk and throwing shit away and just touching my stuff and it felt great. I wasn't tired or cranky or sore. Sure, I had my foot up and drinking a beer but no biggie. It was almost like normal.
Later, DbR came over and brought Peretz and the dogs immediately went at it and what I'm seeing from their behavior is that Peretz expects the worst from Pickles (unsolicited and nonconsentual humping) and preemptorily goes on the defensive and in doing this action he has become the alpha dog. Pickles hasn't gotten pissed about it to the point where he attacks in any way, which I am thankful for because I'm afraid of his mice and men proclivities. Only once did I see humping while Peretz whined and barked loudly toward him upon the hindquarters. At this we immediately separate them and discipline Pickles. So on and on Pickles will approach and Peretz will loudly bark and hysterically get all freaked out and LOUD....man. That dog is too loud. Pickles eventually backs off but in the meantime, what a drag.
Time progresses. There are moments of peacefulness, but usually with humans in between. Pickles starts running away from the old loud dog. DbR and I start disciplining Peretz for his unreasonableness. At one point he herds Pickles away from where the humans are sitting. This is unacceptable.
DbR just left me alone with the dogs. They are milling about the living room while I am over here at my desk, away from them with my broken ankle. It's blessedly quiet. I glance over at the "couch" and both dogs are lying on the thing together....not next to each other but the "couch" is barely 6 1/2 feet by 3 feet big so they are together with nary a growl or nudge. Is there hope after all for our family? I was beginning to despair.
Later, DbR came over and brought Peretz and the dogs immediately went at it and what I'm seeing from their behavior is that Peretz expects the worst from Pickles (unsolicited and nonconsentual humping) and preemptorily goes on the defensive and in doing this action he has become the alpha dog. Pickles hasn't gotten pissed about it to the point where he attacks in any way, which I am thankful for because I'm afraid of his mice and men proclivities. Only once did I see humping while Peretz whined and barked loudly toward him upon the hindquarters. At this we immediately separate them and discipline Pickles. So on and on Pickles will approach and Peretz will loudly bark and hysterically get all freaked out and LOUD....man. That dog is too loud. Pickles eventually backs off but in the meantime, what a drag.
Time progresses. There are moments of peacefulness, but usually with humans in between. Pickles starts running away from the old loud dog. DbR and I start disciplining Peretz for his unreasonableness. At one point he herds Pickles away from where the humans are sitting. This is unacceptable.
DbR just left me alone with the dogs. They are milling about the living room while I am over here at my desk, away from them with my broken ankle. It's blessedly quiet. I glance over at the "couch" and both dogs are lying on the thing together....not next to each other but the "couch" is barely 6 1/2 feet by 3 feet big so they are together with nary a growl or nudge. Is there hope after all for our family? I was beginning to despair.
"broken ankle" part 2
Have you ever gone to reach for a paperclip at your desk and the paperclip container was covered by some stray paper or envelope and you just want to cry from frustration? I just had that moment. But then, I found the paperclips and the CFO/CEO came into my office and did a funny song and dance routine and I was cheered a little bit. hurray.
When I broke my ankle last time, I didn't see my kid that much--I didn't want to drive the long distance with a broken paw and it is hard to travel in July traffic around the Cape, anyhow-So when we did hang out I was fairly healed and could get around without crutches so much-which is good-but I was still somewhat of a slowpoke for the most part. Whenever he scooted faster than I could deal with, like around Northampton or the town of Greenfield, I would call out, "Broken Ankle!" Or if he needed me to hurry up downstairs or over to the ferry boat in Woods Hole, I would plaintively cry, "Broken Ankle!" to remind him of my plight. I guess I haven't done with that excuse yet. Poor kid.
When I broke my ankle last time, I didn't see my kid that much--I didn't want to drive the long distance with a broken paw and it is hard to travel in July traffic around the Cape, anyhow-So when we did hang out I was fairly healed and could get around without crutches so much-which is good-but I was still somewhat of a slowpoke for the most part. Whenever he scooted faster than I could deal with, like around Northampton or the town of Greenfield, I would call out, "Broken Ankle!" Or if he needed me to hurry up downstairs or over to the ferry boat in Woods Hole, I would plaintively cry, "Broken Ankle!" to remind him of my plight. I guess I haven't done with that excuse yet. Poor kid.
"broken ankle"
Have I mentioned that last June 26th I fell down my bedroom stairs, landing in front of the bathroom, breaking my right ankle? I immediately got up, walked to the toilet, sat down on the cover and cried with pain. Then I took a shower, got dressed and staggered out to my car. I didn't make it though-half way to the car I collapsed on a couple bags of top soil and cried some more with the pain. I brought myself back inside and called in sick to work.
So, now I have my left ankle broken and I'm a little bewildered about my life's absurdity. What am I supposed to learn from this? What is my lifelesson here? Don't walk the dog? Don't go downstairs to the bathroom? Bad luck happens when one is alone and lonely and also when one is deliriously in love?
At work now (shouldn't be writing this) sitting at my desk and a co-worker was out in the break room singing a child-like song to the doctor about morning's blessing is coffee, etc etc. Her lovely high voice makes me goosebumpy in a nice way and afterwards she came into my office to offer her sympathy to my plight. After that, another co worker breezed through offering me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
I still feel sorry for myself.
So, now I have my left ankle broken and I'm a little bewildered about my life's absurdity. What am I supposed to learn from this? What is my lifelesson here? Don't walk the dog? Don't go downstairs to the bathroom? Bad luck happens when one is alone and lonely and also when one is deliriously in love?
At work now (shouldn't be writing this) sitting at my desk and a co-worker was out in the break room singing a child-like song to the doctor about morning's blessing is coffee, etc etc. Her lovely high voice makes me goosebumpy in a nice way and afterwards she came into my office to offer her sympathy to my plight. After that, another co worker breezed through offering me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
I still feel sorry for myself.
Monday, February 04, 2008
The Future
Tomorrow is the first day back to work since the break. I am dreading the end of this four-day haitus. I'm trying to remember when I broke my ankle last June 26th and how I was truly "up and at 'em" generally from the get-go. The luxury of having someone take care of me four days straight has kind of wiped out my industriousness/independent drive. It's hard to understand the balance: being resilient and independent but also letting oneself be cared for. It's either all or nothing for me which has created a little bit of a marshmallow in me, more than usual.
I'm still worried about driving my five speed with the broken left-DbR said something about switching cars but that is too complicated for me to actually take in at this point. I have to go to work tomorrow. How am I going to do that?
I'm still worried about driving my five speed with the broken left-DbR said something about switching cars but that is too complicated for me to actually take in at this point. I have to go to work tomorrow. How am I going to do that?
Saturday, February 02, 2008
The Ice Treachery Of Greenfield
I was walking my dog on Thursday-it was sunny and beautiful. I had just finished talking to DbR on the phone and exclaimed about how lovely it was and I slipped on some ice which had formed on the snow left behind on someone's sidewalk. I slipped and as I went down I heard and I felt a firm *snap*! and I immediately feared the worst. I lay on the sidewalk moaning a little bit and trying to adjust to the state of affairs, the dog sitting next to me, my hand still wrapped in his leash.
I was bummed.
Later, I was told by the xray that my left ankle was broken in 2 places.
I'm being cared for by my big sonic nurse. Thank you cards can be sent to David Russell, 74 Conz St # 2, Northampton.
I was bummed.
Later, I was told by the xray that my left ankle was broken in 2 places.
I'm being cared for by my big sonic nurse. Thank you cards can be sent to David Russell, 74 Conz St # 2, Northampton.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Slight Disagreement with DbR about Donuts
See Jan 31 post by David. For a quick reference, click on "this week's dark obsession" link to the left. yeah, over there. that's right.
I don't think the buttercrunch really is "spectacular". Sure, it's good, but it lacks a certain crunchiness. The glaze around the donut is crunchy with a small sprinkling of nuttiness but not the comprehensive nutcover that I would like.
I'm not saying I want wall to wall nuts like the crap cardboard buttercrunch of DD but I could use a little bit more crunchy nuttiness.
I will post further when I find the form of buttercrunch donut.
Meanwhile, he mentions the maple frosted raised donut which I feel deserves more lauding than he gave. The whole maple frosted genre of donuts deserves a following not unlike Jesus Christ's following, circa...shoot, when was he most popular? Ok, I lost the thread of that parallel but for christ's sake go out right now, get in your car and seek out fried dough with a maple frosting. you won't regret it. And, may I mention that Adams Donuts only had one maple frosted donut left when we arrived there to purchase at 8:55 am? 'nough said.
I don't think the buttercrunch really is "spectacular". Sure, it's good, but it lacks a certain crunchiness. The glaze around the donut is crunchy with a small sprinkling of nuttiness but not the comprehensive nutcover that I would like.
I'm not saying I want wall to wall nuts like the crap cardboard buttercrunch of DD but I could use a little bit more crunchy nuttiness.
I will post further when I find the form of buttercrunch donut.
Meanwhile, he mentions the maple frosted raised donut which I feel deserves more lauding than he gave. The whole maple frosted genre of donuts deserves a following not unlike Jesus Christ's following, circa...shoot, when was he most popular? Ok, I lost the thread of that parallel but for christ's sake go out right now, get in your car and seek out fried dough with a maple frosting. you won't regret it. And, may I mention that Adams Donuts only had one maple frosted donut left when we arrived there to purchase at 8:55 am? 'nough said.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Coffee is for Closers
I know, I'm not funny but on the other hand I think I'm fucking hilarious. I'm sorry. I know...it's not funny, but it is hilarious. Ok, I said that already. I swear, I am sensitive and loving but I have to laugh at myself and the world and, yes, you too, sweetie.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Very Selfish Lady
I'm involved with someone who has an extensive collection of photos on a flickr account and a very vibrant blog and I'm finding that as he and I become more and more caught up in each other's lives, his previous life of blogging and flickr has changed a bit in their scope and content. There have been comments and blogs all attributed to the pros and cons of his changing world wide web presence and I can't help but feel a little responsible.
Little did I know that a month ago or so when I first met this guy and started chasing him with the sole purpose of kissing and joking with him that there would be a ripple effect felt in the wide pool of his friends, acquaintances and web friends and acquaintances, not to mention family! Should I cut things off with this person so that he can get back to his internet good work? Am I destroying his artistic creativity with my company? For the good of all, should we separate? What a bizarre situation.
Little did I know that a month ago or so when I first met this guy and started chasing him with the sole purpose of kissing and joking with him that there would be a ripple effect felt in the wide pool of his friends, acquaintances and web friends and acquaintances, not to mention family! Should I cut things off with this person so that he can get back to his internet good work? Am I destroying his artistic creativity with my company? For the good of all, should we separate? What a bizarre situation.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
"This torch that I found..."
There is a movie that is total schlock but I love it. I'm watching it right now and it makes me really happy. I should go: walk the dog, do my job, clean my room, etc. but I just want to sit here and watch Ray Liotta play Frank Sinatra.
Good ol' dog. He just wants to play and make it clear he is the stronger dog, the alpha dog. Peretz is not following that line of reason nor that dog-ssertation. He may not necessarily want to be alpha, he just wants to have his own space and quiet. He is a fine dog. I hope this struggle doesn't fuck him up.
I made 24x3 ginger cookies and a 2 layer chocolate cake. I think everything turned out okay. I hadn't actually baked in a long time..since before xmas. I had to buy a $12 mixer as mine had crapped out...a while ago. I can't remember when I broke that thing but it was the last time I made cookies and I don't remember when that was. I remember making the apple pies around Thanksgiving. I never made the cut out cookies for xmas so it must have been in November. Anyway, I was making the cake and with the handmixing I couldn't convince the butter to smooth out mix in. Then! after using it for the cake and then for the ginger cookie dough (kind of a heavyduty mixture) it started to get all engine-quitty on me during the frosting job. stupid $12 mixer. I was going to get the $18 black and decker but I could see that it didn't have the flat beaters which I favor, it only had the whisk-y type tube-y beaters.
I love how the Dean Martin character answers his wife when she asks, "Who do you talk to, tell your deep thoughts to?" He says: "In order to tell someone your deep thoughts, you have to have deep thoughts."
Good ol' dog. He just wants to play and make it clear he is the stronger dog, the alpha dog. Peretz is not following that line of reason nor that dog-ssertation. He may not necessarily want to be alpha, he just wants to have his own space and quiet. He is a fine dog. I hope this struggle doesn't fuck him up.
I made 24x3 ginger cookies and a 2 layer chocolate cake. I think everything turned out okay. I hadn't actually baked in a long time..since before xmas. I had to buy a $12 mixer as mine had crapped out...a while ago. I can't remember when I broke that thing but it was the last time I made cookies and I don't remember when that was. I remember making the apple pies around Thanksgiving. I never made the cut out cookies for xmas so it must have been in November. Anyway, I was making the cake and with the handmixing I couldn't convince the butter to smooth out mix in. Then! after using it for the cake and then for the ginger cookie dough (kind of a heavyduty mixture) it started to get all engine-quitty on me during the frosting job. stupid $12 mixer. I was going to get the $18 black and decker but I could see that it didn't have the flat beaters which I favor, it only had the whisk-y type tube-y beaters.
I love how the Dean Martin character answers his wife when she asks, "Who do you talk to, tell your deep thoughts to?" He says: "In order to tell someone your deep thoughts, you have to have deep thoughts."
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Why are Men such Babies?
Did I ever blog here about how perfectly lovely my New Year's Eve was? I spent it with DbR who, in response to my request, made chicken soup and we had some nice times in front of the tv set which played Ginger Rogers/Fred Astaire movies and we had a nice time.
The reason I had requested chicken soup was because I felt like I was coming down with a cold, I was feeling a little stuffed up and wanted that yummy soup cure and it was great. I have been fighting off a form of congestion ever since. It comes and goes, sometimes I feel very stuffy and sometimes I feel pretty good, it is as if I have been balancing on the "could get a full-blown cold" fence all month.
Now, I have been pretty stoic about it. Since it never got really hellish-the worst has been while sleeping I couldn't get a whole breath because there is always a block of expectorate hanging around, like a curtain behind my face-I never really got to moaning and groaning and complaining too badly. Also, I wanted to please my new lover and no one likes a complainer.
Who's complaining now? The abovementioned companion has capitulated to some sort of bug and all I hear about from him is how awful he feels, waah waah waah. I really thought I was kind of a big baby but I am a tightlipped phlegmatic pioneer woman compared to this guy!
The reason I had requested chicken soup was because I felt like I was coming down with a cold, I was feeling a little stuffed up and wanted that yummy soup cure and it was great. I have been fighting off a form of congestion ever since. It comes and goes, sometimes I feel very stuffy and sometimes I feel pretty good, it is as if I have been balancing on the "could get a full-blown cold" fence all month.
Now, I have been pretty stoic about it. Since it never got really hellish-the worst has been while sleeping I couldn't get a whole breath because there is always a block of expectorate hanging around, like a curtain behind my face-I never really got to moaning and groaning and complaining too badly. Also, I wanted to please my new lover and no one likes a complainer.
Who's complaining now? The abovementioned companion has capitulated to some sort of bug and all I hear about from him is how awful he feels, waah waah waah. I really thought I was kind of a big baby but I am a tightlipped phlegmatic pioneer woman compared to this guy!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I have Grand Jury Duty tomorrow
I'm feeling a little bit trepidatious about my Grand Jury Duty tomorrow because I have only done the thing once and it was the first day and it was 2 weeks ago and now I need to go in there tomorrow morning and be the clerk and feel confident and not bored or distracted.
Actually, I feel better about the whole thing now simply because I typed out the above paragraph. I feel better but I am still a little bit on edge about it. I also kind of feel bored by the whole thing already. Strange.
In other news, I recieved my Lifetime Meatloaf Club Membership Card in my mailbox today from Hope + Olive. I hope I can live up to the expectations and lofty mission of the Meatloaf Club. I guess I'll have to start combing my hair or enjoying bread and ketchup sandwiches. Stay tuned.
Actually, I feel better about the whole thing now simply because I typed out the above paragraph. I feel better but I am still a little bit on edge about it. I also kind of feel bored by the whole thing already. Strange.
In other news, I recieved my Lifetime Meatloaf Club Membership Card in my mailbox today from Hope + Olive. I hope I can live up to the expectations and lofty mission of the Meatloaf Club. I guess I'll have to start combing my hair or enjoying bread and ketchup sandwiches. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
goodnight moon
it's nice when love finds a silly lady with a round face. i wonder how that happens? monday night DbR left my house around 7:40 or so and my roommate asked me, "What are you going to do now that you are all alone?" and I was so annoyed because jesus, he's seen me here in this house every night all alone since he moved in last February! I muttered something along the lines of, "don't worry, i've had plenty of practice." and ignored him the rest of the night.
it's only been less than a month i've had someone to spend a part of every day with. i guess really it boils down to me using him for sex but he seems okay with it!
my bedroom skylight glitters with the moonlight on the icy window screen. it sure is pretty.
it's only been less than a month i've had someone to spend a part of every day with. i guess really it boils down to me using him for sex but he seems okay with it!
my bedroom skylight glitters with the moonlight on the icy window screen. it sure is pretty.
Monday, January 21, 2008
No one's ever satisfied
Last night I excitedly went to a local venue to be a local celebrity judge at a battle of the bands concert and really went to work on making sure my scores were fair and truthful, as well as I could.
I guess I wasn't so great because the guy who arranged the thing who "hired" me to be a judge is a little mad at me, I guess for my scoring. I feel bad but I know in my heart that I did the best I could, using the tools available to me. I scored each song numerically as they were played and averaged the scores to come up with the end result. My math is shown on the worksheets we handed in.
Maybe I was too tough on a band the guy who is mad at me really likes? Waah. I really like the arranger-guy and I don't want him to dislike me. I want to have his respect and admiration. This will blow over, I'm sure. I hate feeling the aggro, though.
I guess I wasn't so great because the guy who arranged the thing who "hired" me to be a judge is a little mad at me, I guess for my scoring. I feel bad but I know in my heart that I did the best I could, using the tools available to me. I scored each song numerically as they were played and averaged the scores to come up with the end result. My math is shown on the worksheets we handed in.
Maybe I was too tough on a band the guy who is mad at me really likes? Waah. I really like the arranger-guy and I don't want him to dislike me. I want to have his respect and admiration. This will blow over, I'm sure. I hate feeling the aggro, though.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Fill in the blanks, please
1. Today I've eaten ________________.
2. My underwear is ________________.
3. If I had to spend 24 hours locked in a Taco Bell bathroom with a famous or almost famous singer (dead or alive), I would choose ___________ because ________________.
4. Lauri, I don't like it when you ________________.
5. The last time I got drunk I ________________.
2. My underwear is ________________.
3. If I had to spend 24 hours locked in a Taco Bell bathroom with a famous or almost famous singer (dead or alive), I would choose ___________ because ________________.
4. Lauri, I don't like it when you ________________.
5. The last time I got drunk I ________________.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
calling DbR on his bullshit
so, I know this guy and he told me that he never eats in the morning, just drinks coffee, he even said that eating in the morning makes him want to vomit. So, I believed him, why wouldn't I?
We were just hanging around the kitchen, he and I, waiting impatiently for his pokey coffee machine to finish making our favorite elixir and I idly fetched myself a Elm Farm cider donut which I believe he had purchased in anticipation of our Saturday morning together and started to nosh while carefully portioning out the little bit of half and half my barbaric host had in the house this morning.
Soon, after, he followed suit, taking a donut up for himself and eagerly devoured it. What the heck? What happened to, "I don't eat in the morning, it makes me want to throw up."?
We were just hanging around the kitchen, he and I, waiting impatiently for his pokey coffee machine to finish making our favorite elixir and I idly fetched myself a Elm Farm cider donut which I believe he had purchased in anticipation of our Saturday morning together and started to nosh while carefully portioning out the little bit of half and half my barbaric host had in the house this morning.
Soon, after, he followed suit, taking a donut up for himself and eagerly devoured it. What the heck? What happened to, "I don't eat in the morning, it makes me want to throw up."?
Friday, January 18, 2008
I guess it's worth a shot
My desk at work sits in the middle of a strange anteroom which has become the crossroads for 5-6 coworkers who's offices all stretch around me at different angles and generally are connected to the rest of the building through my "office" room to the snack room/hallway.
So, I can be distracted many times a day while sitting at my desk just by people going by to the bathroom or the snackroom or just by them leaving their areas. I like it sometimes because I am in on things that are happening but then sometimes I am very annoyed, like when people are caught in conversation in my hallway area and continue talking over my head, sometimes about work (annoying enough), sometimes about personal stuff (can be completely annoying, depending on the subject, sometimes about clients (hideously annoying)and do not keep moving along, out of my earshot. So, this is my plight.
Just now two nurse practitioners, people who are rarely in my area and even rarely together, were caught in the LMc work area vortex. They were talking about their own crap and it wasn't interesting but strangely enough, I wasn't 100% annoyed. I was actually a little bit turned on, goosebumps were raised on the back of my neck and I could feel the hair on the small of my back and forearms sort of do a little chilly thing that was very pleasant. I had a little shivery feeling and I liked it very much. I didn't want them to stop and go away. I slowly filled the envelopes with the checks and enjoyed the sensation for a good 10 minutes. I like it a lot. And I don't like too much.
After they finally broke it off, one of them asked me for some paperwork which is purely clinical in nature which I do not have one iota, not even the barest smidge to do with. I turned her away and tried to relive the shivery chill. Couldn't do it.
So, I can be distracted many times a day while sitting at my desk just by people going by to the bathroom or the snackroom or just by them leaving their areas. I like it sometimes because I am in on things that are happening but then sometimes I am very annoyed, like when people are caught in conversation in my hallway area and continue talking over my head, sometimes about work (annoying enough), sometimes about personal stuff (can be completely annoying, depending on the subject, sometimes about clients (hideously annoying)and do not keep moving along, out of my earshot. So, this is my plight.
Just now two nurse practitioners, people who are rarely in my area and even rarely together, were caught in the LMc work area vortex. They were talking about their own crap and it wasn't interesting but strangely enough, I wasn't 100% annoyed. I was actually a little bit turned on, goosebumps were raised on the back of my neck and I could feel the hair on the small of my back and forearms sort of do a little chilly thing that was very pleasant. I had a little shivery feeling and I liked it very much. I didn't want them to stop and go away. I slowly filled the envelopes with the checks and enjoyed the sensation for a good 10 minutes. I like it a lot. And I don't like too much.
After they finally broke it off, one of them asked me for some paperwork which is purely clinical in nature which I do not have one iota, not even the barest smidge to do with. I turned her away and tried to relive the shivery chill. Couldn't do it.
small conversation
"I think it's donut time. What do you got?" she asked a coworker who was munching on something out of a plastic bag.
"A rice cake." the woman answered casually
"Oh, god."
Happy Friday
Boy, what a week. Happily do not have grand jury duty today and super-happily, woke up to the sound of a neighbor snowplowing my sidewalk! hurraY! If only I can get off my ass and away from the computer to go shower and get to work. I really hope I can get a whole lot done at work today. This is me hoping for super extra industriousness today.
My schedule and hopes for this weekend changed 17 times over the past 48 hours. At this point it looks somewhat relaxing. I look forward to quiet times and raucous laughs with my new friend and stalwart companion DbR. Last night he almost decimated me at scrabble but Pickles was outraged at my sluggish vocabulary and exploded the board while pretending to chase after Harriet. (good dog) heh heh. There is an unfortunate residual effect to his devotion, however--an "L" is missing. DbR was very upset at this turn of events (he was beating me by a good 100 point margin and was about to scrabble) and fell into a major depression afterwards. I had to rub his back and assure him of his masterful gaming domain. He rebounded, seemingly.
Tonight bodes exciting and interesting at the very least and tomorrow it's dog on dog. I anticipate the meeting nervously.
In other news, my nose is running.
My schedule and hopes for this weekend changed 17 times over the past 48 hours. At this point it looks somewhat relaxing. I look forward to quiet times and raucous laughs with my new friend and stalwart companion DbR. Last night he almost decimated me at scrabble but Pickles was outraged at my sluggish vocabulary and exploded the board while pretending to chase after Harriet. (good dog) heh heh. There is an unfortunate residual effect to his devotion, however--an "L" is missing. DbR was very upset at this turn of events (he was beating me by a good 100 point margin and was about to scrabble) and fell into a major depression afterwards. I had to rub his back and assure him of his masterful gaming domain. He rebounded, seemingly.
Tonight bodes exciting and interesting at the very least and tomorrow it's dog on dog. I anticipate the meeting nervously.
In other news, my nose is running.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
I meet people and sometimes it sticks
So, I like meeting guys who are good in bed (wink, nudge) who also cook. Sometimes they introduce me to fabulous foods and things of that nature which I've never heard of or known before. I love that. I love new things. Yay, smart new friends!
Yogurt Information
For those who snack on yogurt: The Luscious Lemon lofat Stonyfield is way tastier and richer than the Maple flavor, much to my surprise.
That is all.
That is all.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Newsflash: Woman BLown Away By Lover's Comment
Work today-eh. I managed to break loose and come to Northampton. David was cooking dinner and listening to music, the lovely usual. I sat down at his table and demanded a drink while setting up some bobbleheads and donut fixtures. He accomodated me while continuing to cook and linger about the kitchen. I really love sitting at the little table in the little room. There is usually a bowl of garlic and olive oil with some bread sitting around for smart eaters. I show my brains.
After a little while he tells me about the spicy sausage he had in the oven, the sweet potato-onion-chile side dish and arugula I had to anticipate for our dinner. It appears and we joke about this and that while enjoying our food. Afterwards, Peretz asks for a walk and DbR rises to do his dog thing.
"Was the food up to standard?" He asked between after dinner kisses. I decided to be honest.
"It was delicious but the meat was a little overdone. I'm really sorry to say that.." I tried diplomacy but I have the reputation as the TruthNazi so what can I do?
"It was your sparkling personality that distracted me." He admitted. This blew my mind.
"What?" I stammered. "But I'm nothing and food to you is everything...how could I possibly rate in such a way?" I didn't know what to think, how to feel. David overcooked meat because of me? Is that my fault or his? How could he be so fallible? What the hell?
'cause I'd never want to make you change for me
Here it comes again. Sore throat. Snow on the roof. Dog outside whimpering. Good thing the coffee is reassuring. I'd like to go back to bed, feeling less than enthusiastic about being professional at this time.
I like karaoke, always have, always will. Dragged the boyf out last night to the Rendezvous. It was fun, the whole gang from Hope and Olive were there and I like my peops. They've successfully fooled me into believing they like me too. I'm okay with that. I sang Billy Squier's "Lonely is the Night" which had some enjoyable challenges. It was fun and seemingly amusing for the group to observe. After a little bit they let me come back up and sing another song. I sang Todd's "Hello, It's Me" which I have always wanted to do but never felt "vocally secure" enough to pull off. Last night I just went for it, believing my singing voice to have become sterling since falling in love recently and I managed it alright. Some of the lyrics felt right for the moment. Afterwards, I cruelly made fun of a goofball. That felt almost as satisfying.
Dog is running around with the Kong in his mouth. Snow is sliding off the roof. DbR has a pretty nice voice. Future looks good. Today is pretty nice too.
I like karaoke, always have, always will. Dragged the boyf out last night to the Rendezvous. It was fun, the whole gang from Hope and Olive were there and I like my peops. They've successfully fooled me into believing they like me too. I'm okay with that. I sang Billy Squier's "Lonely is the Night" which had some enjoyable challenges. It was fun and seemingly amusing for the group to observe. After a little bit they let me come back up and sing another song. I sang Todd's "Hello, It's Me" which I have always wanted to do but never felt "vocally secure" enough to pull off. Last night I just went for it, believing my singing voice to have become sterling since falling in love recently and I managed it alright. Some of the lyrics felt right for the moment. Afterwards, I cruelly made fun of a goofball. That felt almost as satisfying.
Dog is running around with the Kong in his mouth. Snow is sliding off the roof. DbR has a pretty nice voice. Future looks good. Today is pretty nice too.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
photos of mineself: fact or fiction
I've been hanging pretty regularly with this guy who takes photos all the time, like, constantly...almost as a reaction to the world, this guy shoots digital bullets right and left. Of course, due to our proximity, I find myself featured in a fair amount of his (and his friend's) pics. Some of them are nice, some are okay and of course, some are hideous. I've even asked for editing priviledges, however minimally.
Finally, the odds were with me. Due to the sheer volume of his shooting, there comes the perfect picture of me. It shows my quirky okay looks, my quirky pleasant personality and the quirky art-loving writer/inquisitor part of me, which is the part of me that keeps me somewhat tolerable as a friend/fellow-human.
Here it is. Thanks, DbR
Finally, the odds were with me. Due to the sheer volume of his shooting, there comes the perfect picture of me. It shows my quirky okay looks, my quirky pleasant personality and the quirky art-loving writer/inquisitor part of me, which is the part of me that keeps me somewhat tolerable as a friend/fellow-human.
Here it is. Thanks, DbR
Looking at google earth
checking out the geography of assorted dreamy adventures DbR and I are planning for the next 12 months. It's nice. I like sitting around the house with him drinking coffee. Sure, it's not my favorite thing to do, but it sure is great. Dreaming up adventures for the 2 of us is also definitely up there in my top 5 activities to do with him at this time.
wow, I'm happy. What is up with that? wow. see how I'm happy?
wow, I'm happy. What is up with that? wow. see how I'm happy?
Friday, January 11, 2008
Grand Jury Doodie
Come on down to the Franklin County Courthouse, we'll have a grand ol' time.
I found myself involved in a 3 month stint of Grand Jury Duty of which I can speak none, as it is (speaking in whisper) top secret! It was interesting though, and I am now an upstanding citizen of my berg.
conversation overheard in the ladies room:
First lady: "I thought they were going to go this courthouse over." at no answer, continues, "Remember, a couple of years ago, they made a big deal about it?"
Second lady: "Yeah, I read another article in the paper last week. They were going to get some money from the state, as if that is ever going to happen!"
First lady: "It's better than the one in Orange. But it's still..creepy."
Second lady: "It was built in 1954. It's as old as me."
After I heard this I wrote a poem on a postcard. Maybe some day I will share it with you but suffice it to recount that I profess love for older things instead of bright motherfucking new things.
That's all.
I found myself involved in a 3 month stint of Grand Jury Duty of which I can speak none, as it is (speaking in whisper) top secret! It was interesting though, and I am now an upstanding citizen of my berg.
conversation overheard in the ladies room:
First lady: "I thought they were going to go this courthouse over." at no answer, continues, "Remember, a couple of years ago, they made a big deal about it?"
Second lady: "Yeah, I read another article in the paper last week. They were going to get some money from the state, as if that is ever going to happen!"
First lady: "It's better than the one in Orange. But it's still..creepy."
Second lady: "It was built in 1954. It's as old as me."
After I heard this I wrote a poem on a postcard. Maybe some day I will share it with you but suffice it to recount that I profess love for older things instead of bright motherfucking new things.
That's all.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
sit down where it's comfortable
Let me tell you the story of the woman with the horrible singing voice who, when she finally found her true love at a ripe old age of 41, was able to vocalize so mellifluously that refridgerators stopped humming just so's they could listen...
It's awright, it's all right.
My lover was over last night and I made the tacos I usually make. It's funny, this dinner I made for myself over and over and over for the last couple years while I lived alone bought some joy to friends and pride to me. It's nice to be happy. This is happy, right?
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
wasn't beat so bad
Played scrabble with DbR for the first time tonight, with Roma too. I didn't win but I didn't lose and I actually followed in second by a reasonably competitive score.
Maybe some of the math I used while I was scoring was fudgy but we all had ate too many tacos to begin with.
Maybe some of the math I used while I was scoring was fudgy but we all had ate too many tacos to begin with.
I am DICHOTOMY
A therapist just breezed by my desk and noticed the smallest twig of a spider plant in a small vase, trying to sprout roots. Referring to last summer and fall when I often brought in single smallish flowers and put them on the desk, also in the tiny vases, she commented on how much she loved my minimalist plant life. I smiled and thanked her, appreciating the kudos for sure because I too, love the small and that is why I have the small.
"But then, look up at this." She said, gesturing to the cork board that expands above and by my head and over the desk. It was strewn with all sorts of bright and big, photos, drawings, candy boxes and work-related charts and graphs. "It's quite the dichotomy." I looked up at my bulletin board. I liked it very much, especially the picture of William Shatner as Kirk thinking, "I love Lauri."
"But then, look up at this." She said, gesturing to the cork board that expands above and by my head and over the desk. It was strewn with all sorts of bright and big, photos, drawings, candy boxes and work-related charts and graphs. "It's quite the dichotomy." I looked up at my bulletin board. I liked it very much, especially the picture of William Shatner as Kirk thinking, "I love Lauri."
pack rat vs. magic objects
I just overheard a senior aide where I work tell someone about her son who throws some of her stuff away at home.
"You don't need this, mom!" She imitated him. "Then I just go over to the trash and get it right out. If he throws it back in, I get it back out again."
"You need to hope the trashman doesn't come before you can get it.." The woman she was speaking to asserted.
"Sometimes he does, you know." She told her with some dignity, humor and regret.
One often hears about the packing and saving of too much stuff by folks which is a major burden for their families during their lifetime and definitely after their death. Some packrats have valuable items mixed in with total and utter trash, which makes cleaning up difficult and time-consuming. Argh. What a drag. I've had a couple friends who had to deal with such projects.
But on the other hand, it is so sad to think this little ol' lady just wants to keep this or that and these items are tossed by her unfeeling son. Where is the happy medium, I wonder. Don't throw away my stuff, Kid!
"You don't need this, mom!" She imitated him. "Then I just go over to the trash and get it right out. If he throws it back in, I get it back out again."
"You need to hope the trashman doesn't come before you can get it.." The woman she was speaking to asserted.
"Sometimes he does, you know." She told her with some dignity, humor and regret.
One often hears about the packing and saving of too much stuff by folks which is a major burden for their families during their lifetime and definitely after their death. Some packrats have valuable items mixed in with total and utter trash, which makes cleaning up difficult and time-consuming. Argh. What a drag. I've had a couple friends who had to deal with such projects.
But on the other hand, it is so sad to think this little ol' lady just wants to keep this or that and these items are tossed by her unfeeling son. Where is the happy medium, I wonder. Don't throw away my stuff, Kid!
so far so good
Dog had been presented with ball I found last night walking around Northampton with Peretz and his man. He proceeds to shred it.
I was thinking about how funny I was when I was telling DbR that all I wanted to eat between my second cup of coffee and my first beer of the day was a muffin. I said this in reaction to him trying to foist leftovers onto me for lunch. I was being a brat but it is almost true. Not always, though. Sometimes a cookie is nice!
I was thinking about how funny I was when I was telling DbR that all I wanted to eat between my second cup of coffee and my first beer of the day was a muffin. I said this in reaction to him trying to foist leftovers onto me for lunch. I was being a brat but it is almost true. Not always, though. Sometimes a cookie is nice!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Very Foggy Drive
Just drove up from Northampton and was scared a little by the intense fog all over the highway. It swirled and eddied and I was thinking constantly that there was a cow or a deer or a monster imbedded deep within which I would only find after banging into it with my car.
In other news, DbR made another perfectly wonderful dinner and I think I am pretty lucky to be cooked for by such a fantastic lambchop of a man. yay.
Here's hoping tomorrow is migraine-free!
In other news, DbR made another perfectly wonderful dinner and I think I am pretty lucky to be cooked for by such a fantastic lambchop of a man. yay.
Here's hoping tomorrow is migraine-free!
Cold coffee, warm laundry
Today my head hurt and I didn't have any coffee. I tried to stem the pain with liquidgel store brand pills but the hurting continued. I felt like I should go to work but after a phone call to my boss, opted out. I went to the store and got coffee.
Even though my head hurt, it was a pleasant enough excursion. I waited in a fast-paced checkout line, the woman at the register efficient and pleasant. I've always kind of liked her, anyway. When I got to the front, I commended her on her speed. "You are like a check out machine, it's really great." Having had her job many times in my life, I recognized deft skill in the task and having been in many check out lines where the ringmaster (checkout employee) sucked and had no skill, I appreciated her's. She laughed at my lauding and said, "Yeah, I feel like I died a little inside." I reassured her that wasn't true and she should be proud of keeping the line moving and told her I was very proud. We laughed and smiled at each other. The woman in line behind me almost smiled.
Meanwhile, there is this mysterious guy who works there who is tall and dark and sinewy, kind of. I've noticed him before, usually when I was in the back door line (as I was today). He would trod past, not unlike a hulking superhero and glance out of the corner of his eye at me. I would see him coming and see him start to look and would usually stare boldly at his furtive gazes, as if daring him to stop and speak to me. For the ten seconds of eye contact I would often imagine us in the stock room downstairs being intimate strangers with each other, like Superman and Lois Lane before they knew each other. Well, I guess before she knew him. Anyway, it was a fun fantasy to imagine and a groovy place to go in my head and as he did his half-glance checkout saunter I proceeded with my usual brazen stylings but as I did I thought of a certain guy who I am seeing, which is a departure from my usual situation during our eyeful trysts and I wondered if I was going to go into the place where I didn't overtly flirt like I have been for the last two years.
It was a strange thing to think about.
Even though my head hurt, it was a pleasant enough excursion. I waited in a fast-paced checkout line, the woman at the register efficient and pleasant. I've always kind of liked her, anyway. When I got to the front, I commended her on her speed. "You are like a check out machine, it's really great." Having had her job many times in my life, I recognized deft skill in the task and having been in many check out lines where the ringmaster (checkout employee) sucked and had no skill, I appreciated her's. She laughed at my lauding and said, "Yeah, I feel like I died a little inside." I reassured her that wasn't true and she should be proud of keeping the line moving and told her I was very proud. We laughed and smiled at each other. The woman in line behind me almost smiled.
Meanwhile, there is this mysterious guy who works there who is tall and dark and sinewy, kind of. I've noticed him before, usually when I was in the back door line (as I was today). He would trod past, not unlike a hulking superhero and glance out of the corner of his eye at me. I would see him coming and see him start to look and would usually stare boldly at his furtive gazes, as if daring him to stop and speak to me. For the ten seconds of eye contact I would often imagine us in the stock room downstairs being intimate strangers with each other, like Superman and Lois Lane before they knew each other. Well, I guess before she knew him. Anyway, it was a fun fantasy to imagine and a groovy place to go in my head and as he did his half-glance checkout saunter I proceeded with my usual brazen stylings but as I did I thought of a certain guy who I am seeing, which is a departure from my usual situation during our eyeful trysts and I wondered if I was going to go into the place where I didn't overtly flirt like I have been for the last two years.
It was a strange thing to think about.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Saturday, January 05, 2008
"Nancy threw up all over.."
listening to my friend Henry talk about Roma and his honeymoon. Makes me want me some of the braised tuna I ate last night at the Hope and Olive. I like this guy. I'd like to look at stuff with him and meet his friends.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Good Ol' Joe P
won't you come away with me
and begin something we can't understand
i'm as lonely as the Irish Sea
i'm as willing as the sand
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
won't you come unbury me
could you light me up like a lemon grove
i'll save you from this dreamy life
to the hardest love you could ever know
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
but don't cry baby,
please don't cry baby
i'll be tender til the day i die
this love i have for you is terrible and true
how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue
its ruinous and true
how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue
weakest shade of blue
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
could it be so wrong, so wrong?
but don't cry baby,
please don't cry baby
i'll be tender til the day i die
this love i have for you is terrible and true
how this sheltered loveless life
fades into the weakest shade of blue
weakest shade of blue...
song and lyrics by Pernice Brothers
I am Rudolph
I have a friend who is slightly obsessed with taking pictures and he is in between cameras right now. I wish I had been more attentive to the situation and given up something I am obsessed with in sympathy, sort of like a lover's lent. But the opportunity came and went and I again am just all ideas, no follow through. What would I have given up that would be somewhat in the same league? Booze, etc. probably is the closest thing. Maybe my car, but that would prove ill-advised with these 2 degree days and work-oriented errands..
Sidenote: the dog just decided to visit with the cat over by the window but she didn't welcome him. Quite the opposite, she slashed at him and I think she may have made contact because he is now licking his paw and rubbing his big nose.
I guess I could give up wearing jewelry. I am always adorning myself with things that I think are pretty. I would feel a little out of sorts without the Carol. Give up sugar and all sweets. ugh, that's too Lent-y. Perhaps tv, especially if the writer's strike ever lets up. Maybe I am not a tv whore but it offers a kind of safety net. Maybe heat. I would keep the heat down in The Bricker to 55 for the whole time. Oh, I already do that.
Give up the things you love.
Sidenote: the dog just decided to visit with the cat over by the window but she didn't welcome him. Quite the opposite, she slashed at him and I think she may have made contact because he is now licking his paw and rubbing his big nose.
I guess I could give up wearing jewelry. I am always adorning myself with things that I think are pretty. I would feel a little out of sorts without the Carol. Give up sugar and all sweets. ugh, that's too Lent-y. Perhaps tv, especially if the writer's strike ever lets up. Maybe I am not a tv whore but it offers a kind of safety net. Maybe heat. I would keep the heat down in The Bricker to 55 for the whole time. Oh, I already do that.
Give up the things you love.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
considerably grumpy
My eyes really hurt, they are dry and tired from not sleeping more than 2 hours all last night and I'm cold here in my house and wicked grumpy that the plumber who was supposed to get here at 8 am isn't here yet and now I'm beginning to worry about getting to work late when I just want to go back to bed and forget about everything for twelve hours. waah.
But other than that kind of big swirl of dissatisfaction, everything is looking up. I'm seeing some guy who is telling people that he and I are hooking up and he was telling people this when I was thinking maybe it was a bad idea after all. He won me over though, and as long as I keep my heart out of it I can have a good time, I think (she mused, foolishly optimistic considering her past).
But other than that kind of big swirl of dissatisfaction, everything is looking up. I'm seeing some guy who is telling people that he and I are hooking up and he was telling people this when I was thinking maybe it was a bad idea after all. He won me over though, and as long as I keep my heart out of it I can have a good time, I think (she mused, foolishly optimistic considering her past).
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Ya gotta hit the wall sometime
Hello, Lucky Table, you're the luckiest people here. Hello, Lucky Table, order yourself some beer and we will entertain you, we'll laugh and sing all night. Our advise to you is, get in with the wrong, forget about the right.
Full Disclosure's got me down. Like the wrong pillow under my head brings my bulging disc to heated discomfort, so this trip down reality lane wrings the juice out of my hope melon. "we will entertain you, we'll laugh and sing all night"
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
am I talking to myself?
I shovelled snow all weekend and such.
I fooled a smart guy into liking me. I'm feeling somewhat clever.
That's all I have to report at this time.
Monday, December 31, 2007
overdrawn and still happy
Look at that snow. It's so heavy and so deep. I will attempt the shovelling soon. I need to get to work but first, a pathway out the door is necessary.
Meanwhile, didn't sleep too well last night. Ended up driving in incredibly poor conditions, but I had the ball and so I ran with it. I kept imagining swerving off the highway and landing so deep in the side woods I was never found again until Spring. I had packed some old pizza for the trip to woods hole yesterday so I wouldve survived for a week or two. I didn't swerve off the road but I did see many plows languishing along the roads not plowing when I finally got off 91 in Greenfield. It was around 4 am. Why weren't they plowing? Were they all jerking off or smoking cigarettes?
The dog wants to go for a walk but little does he know I am preoccupied with householding chores.
ooh, chicken soup and dancing movies from the 1930's for new years eve. worth leaving home for-
Meanwhile, didn't sleep too well last night. Ended up driving in incredibly poor conditions, but I had the ball and so I ran with it. I kept imagining swerving off the highway and landing so deep in the side woods I was never found again until Spring. I had packed some old pizza for the trip to woods hole yesterday so I wouldve survived for a week or two. I didn't swerve off the road but I did see many plows languishing along the roads not plowing when I finally got off 91 in Greenfield. It was around 4 am. Why weren't they plowing? Were they all jerking off or smoking cigarettes?
The dog wants to go for a walk but little does he know I am preoccupied with householding chores.
ooh, chicken soup and dancing movies from the 1930's for new years eve. worth leaving home for-
Saturday, December 29, 2007
almost over
The vacation with the kid is almost over. I drive him back tomorrow. Many things have happened while he was here..we went tubing, my house sprung a couple distressing leaks, my secret crush has bloomed into a hotbed of hopeful excitement, Sal's idol talked about him over a family dinner, I started a book, I didn't do laundry, lets see, what else?
interesting quotes and tiring facts
Argh. I was hanging out by the desk with Kid and I could hear the dog in the kitchen dicking around which I foolishly ignored until *bang! *crash! and I saw that the creature had nudged the coffee can filled with chicken oil off the counter all over the floor so he could drink the elixir. Just something else to clean up.
"I'm totally bringing my guitar and going over to Coko's house and playing Sonic Youth songs." My Kid says excitedly as he goes upstairs for a shower. I've already given him the starfucker talk so what else can I do? Of course the situation is much much less superficial than this paragraph. Last night we went to a movie with his galpals (including aforementioned friend) and during the movie one character plays Sonic Youth covering the Carpenters to turn on the main character, Juno, to music he thinks she may like.
Sidenote: Why is it (and I don't really mean to phrase this as a question as I know the answer) that most court and dance in this day and age, amongst people I know and assimilate with, includes a great deal of music talk? My hands smell like fried chicken oil from the cleanup.
So our protagonist, Juno, comes back to see this guy and they get into an argument culminating in her accusation, "And I bought a Sonic Youth album and its just noise!"
which made me and the Kid chuckle. Later he repeated the quote to Coko and she agreed, "It is!"
The Kid asked me to spell Thelonious for him today and I believe I put the second O in the wrong spot. oops.
I think I need to get out of this drippy house.
"I'm totally bringing my guitar and going over to Coko's house and playing Sonic Youth songs." My Kid says excitedly as he goes upstairs for a shower. I've already given him the starfucker talk so what else can I do? Of course the situation is much much less superficial than this paragraph. Last night we went to a movie with his galpals (including aforementioned friend) and during the movie one character plays Sonic Youth covering the Carpenters to turn on the main character, Juno, to music he thinks she may like.
Sidenote: Why is it (and I don't really mean to phrase this as a question as I know the answer) that most court and dance in this day and age, amongst people I know and assimilate with, includes a great deal of music talk? My hands smell like fried chicken oil from the cleanup.
So our protagonist, Juno, comes back to see this guy and they get into an argument culminating in her accusation, "And I bought a Sonic Youth album and its just noise!"
which made me and the Kid chuckle. Later he repeated the quote to Coko and she agreed, "It is!"
The Kid asked me to spell Thelonious for him today and I believe I put the second O in the wrong spot. oops.
I think I need to get out of this drippy house.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
drive and drive and drive..drove
It's that nice time when it's still the first night Kid has come, the dog is walked, we have fressed and are satisfied to be just hanging around the downstairs together. There are days of togetherness ahead and we are mellow. Kid has brought his tiniest of tiny amps, guitar and new pedal. I have gifted to him another pedal and he has them all hooked up and is noodling on them while im-ing with the galpals south of here.
My drive down to the cape was uneventful and the drive back was pleasant with the coversation about music, always about music, and a little bit about kids and school and the weekend to come and...where are we going for dinner?
The Sierra Grille, of course. We both got the pork medallions with sides of mac and cheese and potatoes.
My drive down to the cape was uneventful and the drive back was pleasant with the coversation about music, always about music, and a little bit about kids and school and the weekend to come and...where are we going for dinner?
The Sierra Grille, of course. We both got the pork medallions with sides of mac and cheese and potatoes.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Meet Me In St Louis
Good Ol' Christmas.
I really accomplished something today-now, after a bath for the dog and a shower for myself, I put on a nice warm but attractive outfit and sit down at the desk to look through the pics I took today and watch Judy Garland do her best on the tv.
"I love him more than I can say"
I really accomplished something today-now, after a bath for the dog and a shower for myself, I put on a nice warm but attractive outfit and sit down at the desk to look through the pics I took today and watch Judy Garland do her best on the tv.
"I love him more than I can say"
Dogzilla on Xmas
ok, xmas. Pickles is happy with his gift, so I guess so far, so good. Tomorrow I see if the Kid likes the pedal, the cd, the tshirt, etc etc-of course he will, I have impeccable taste in all things cool and great.
I continue drinking coffee and listening to "Sitting Next To Brian"'s latest. Brian is pretty great. Also included in this xmas morning: vacuuming and mopping living room and washing dog's bedding. It's all pretty great. The housemate left for a day with the family so my house is all me and dog. I like it.
aw, not so great ps. Dog snacked right through this major piece of rubber already. (resigned grrr)
Monday, December 24, 2007
Walking through the park, at half past nine..
Listening to that old standard, Phoebe Snow. Every song, every note is so familiar, so warmly predictable, "Please god, help me. I'm so poor. Send me something to wear and something to eat. Because I want to cross over to Easy Street." That's the end. It reminds me of this time of year. Suddenly, as I walked into the Bricker at the end of my workday, the beginning of my vacation, some of her vocals started running through my head and I knew it was time to put her on. I came upstairs and landed in the queen with dog and cat and the laptop, album playing for us in the dark afternoon. I think it may be naptime, don't you? The animals...my family...are showing me the way to sleepyseedsville.
I have a nice evening to look forward to: sushi dinner with friends at a friend's and then gingerbread and eggnog at another friend's. I wish my current crush was going to be there, eager to kiss me. Of course I hold this fomenting obsession close to my chest..like the most fragile elaborate seashell which I must carry for miles with the dearest wish that none of its curlicues get knocked off or banged into. It is held so painstakingly that not even he knows of my desire. Ooh, I feel a little naughty thinking of it as I wrap my arms around the naptime pillow.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Once a year, whether I need it or not
I look at that picture of the sea otter and wish I was him/her, swimming around with a nice fur on. I should go walk the dog. I should go clean the offices but instead I am here fishing around on the computer looking at crap and feeling melancholy.
It's funny that this blog is the one I turn to to kvetch and feel sorry for myself in. Fucking hilarious, in fact. I did write a blog a day in November on another blog venue on the internet. It was cool.
So this is xmas. I have gotten some nice things: a big bottle of vodka, a nice bottle of wine, some pretty plates and yummy moisturizer that I would never buy for myself. I even got a booty call last night! whoo hoo. I didn't actually take the offer seriously, of course. What if I did, though? What if I drove to Northampton at 4 in the morning and made out with this guy-what would it get me? He already has a girlfriend, did I mention that? AND!
and nothing. eh, I will just climb up into a tree and find a little hidey-hole until it's time to walk the dog again. No matter how much I booze it up I can't assuage. There has been no assuaging whatsoever. (insert self-pitying groan here--replace with giggle of absurdity=welcome to my world)
It's funny that this blog is the one I turn to to kvetch and feel sorry for myself in. Fucking hilarious, in fact. I did write a blog a day in November on another blog venue on the internet. It was cool.
So this is xmas. I have gotten some nice things: a big bottle of vodka, a nice bottle of wine, some pretty plates and yummy moisturizer that I would never buy for myself. I even got a booty call last night! whoo hoo. I didn't actually take the offer seriously, of course. What if I did, though? What if I drove to Northampton at 4 in the morning and made out with this guy-what would it get me? He already has a girlfriend, did I mention that? AND!
and nothing. eh, I will just climb up into a tree and find a little hidey-hole until it's time to walk the dog again. No matter how much I booze it up I can't assuage. There has been no assuaging whatsoever. (insert self-pitying groan here--replace with giggle of absurdity=welcome to my world)
Sunday, October 07, 2007
am i ever going to get over him?
This weekend my dad came to visit and my dog was so excited about company that he tipped over a crappy table which had my coffee machine on it. My coffee machine fell on the floor and met its demise.
It was really dead. This bummed me out. Maybe that makes no sense to anyone but I felt crappy about the whole dealio. That coffee machine dates back to when I lived with CE and he bought it when he and I were together drinking coffee and living at our house together with our kid. When we broke up and I moved out, he wasn't drinking coffee so I was able to take it with me, no harm no foul. There were many things in that house that I didn't take because I didn't want my kid to see me..I don't know, rip the house apart and dissasemble? I left stuff there that I liked. Years went by and CE and his girlfriend brought stuff to me that they took out of the house, that they didn't want some of the stuff wasn't even mine. Some of the stuff was stuff I gave to my kid and maybe he should have kept, to remind him of me, I don't know. But they brought shit to me that I didn't want or even feel attached to. There was stuff still that I would have liked. Of course they kept that and always resented me for leaving the crap in the house that they brought to me. How ironic.
Anyway, the coffeemachine was old but I loved it. I repaired it many times. I was attached. I was sentimental. I want it forever to be in my life, a reminder of happy times. The dog broke it this past Friday night. I can't even say how that hurt me. It is fucking stupid and absurd. I bouth a better one to replace it for only $15. But I would have paid double that to just have the old one with the discolored stickers and crappy stains. Slowly, everything in my life is replaced by soulless crap, just so I can make coffee or whatever.
There is a bag of brown paper bags in my pantry which used to be fvp's. They are helpful. I use the bags occasionally and I like them. I'm glad I don't have to buy the brown paper bag I like to use about once a month. But there are times, like today, when I think about that bag of bags still at my house and I look at my new coffee machine, which I don't really like, and I think about how fvp has a girlfriend but I don't have anybody and what that says is that he is better and more attractive than I am. And I feel sad and alone. I remember that CE has had a lover since a month or 2 after he and I broke up and I know he is better and more attractive than I and I realize nothing means anything. Everything is empty and hollow and there is no meaning or power in anything or anywhere. I don't have anything to offer anyone and I understand sometimes why I am alone. It doesn't make it easier.
I would like to watch a movie on tv tonight-I'm pretty sick and that is all I am doing right now-but I know this movie is one of FVP's favorites. I feel like it will remind me of him and how I will never feel his love again. I feel afraid and sad to watch it.
It was really dead. This bummed me out. Maybe that makes no sense to anyone but I felt crappy about the whole dealio. That coffee machine dates back to when I lived with CE and he bought it when he and I were together drinking coffee and living at our house together with our kid. When we broke up and I moved out, he wasn't drinking coffee so I was able to take it with me, no harm no foul. There were many things in that house that I didn't take because I didn't want my kid to see me..I don't know, rip the house apart and dissasemble? I left stuff there that I liked. Years went by and CE and his girlfriend brought stuff to me that they took out of the house, that they didn't want some of the stuff wasn't even mine. Some of the stuff was stuff I gave to my kid and maybe he should have kept, to remind him of me, I don't know. But they brought shit to me that I didn't want or even feel attached to. There was stuff still that I would have liked. Of course they kept that and always resented me for leaving the crap in the house that they brought to me. How ironic.
Anyway, the coffeemachine was old but I loved it. I repaired it many times. I was attached. I was sentimental. I want it forever to be in my life, a reminder of happy times. The dog broke it this past Friday night. I can't even say how that hurt me. It is fucking stupid and absurd. I bouth a better one to replace it for only $15. But I would have paid double that to just have the old one with the discolored stickers and crappy stains. Slowly, everything in my life is replaced by soulless crap, just so I can make coffee or whatever.
There is a bag of brown paper bags in my pantry which used to be fvp's. They are helpful. I use the bags occasionally and I like them. I'm glad I don't have to buy the brown paper bag I like to use about once a month. But there are times, like today, when I think about that bag of bags still at my house and I look at my new coffee machine, which I don't really like, and I think about how fvp has a girlfriend but I don't have anybody and what that says is that he is better and more attractive than I am. And I feel sad and alone. I remember that CE has had a lover since a month or 2 after he and I broke up and I know he is better and more attractive than I and I realize nothing means anything. Everything is empty and hollow and there is no meaning or power in anything or anywhere. I don't have anything to offer anyone and I understand sometimes why I am alone. It doesn't make it easier.
I would like to watch a movie on tv tonight-I'm pretty sick and that is all I am doing right now-but I know this movie is one of FVP's favorites. I feel like it will remind me of him and how I will never feel his love again. I feel afraid and sad to watch it.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
When I was young..
I never broke a bone. I burned my toe on a hot coal, I squirted hydrochloride acid into my eye but never had a cast. Last year I fell down my bedroom stairs and sprained/broke a toe pretty bad. Those stairs got me again. Last Tuesday I lost it on the bottom 3 and found myself with feet flapped back and knees scraped. I though, ow, and wanted to tear up but the tears didn't start until after I was fully dressed and ready to go to work and I realized I couldn't walk out to my car. A day later, after hearing, "Did you go to the doctor?" enough, I finally did and found out that I fractured my...tibia? They sent me along to an orthopedic doctor who did another xray and showed me the break. ow. it gave me the willies just looking at it.
The doctor told me to put no weight onto the ankle and it would take 12-twelve-weeks to heal. That is an outside guessitmate, right? There is no way I could be feeling like this until September 26th..no way.
I'm just sitting around drinking too much and having a little retail therapy in the bobblehead section of ebay. I need more female bobbleheads. There used to be some Hillary Clinton bobbleheads but not no more, rats.
And I thought I was isolated before.
The doctor told me to put no weight onto the ankle and it would take 12-twelve-weeks to heal. That is an outside guessitmate, right? There is no way I could be feeling like this until September 26th..no way.
I'm just sitting around drinking too much and having a little retail therapy in the bobblehead section of ebay. I need more female bobbleheads. There used to be some Hillary Clinton bobbleheads but not no more, rats.
And I thought I was isolated before.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
When I was young, I never needed anyone...
Hatfield restaurant burns in 'Holy Smoke'
Posted by The Republican Newsroom June 21, 2007 07:56AM
HATFIELD - An early morning fire has apparently destroyed the Holy Smokes BBQ and Whole Hog House restaurant on Routes 5 and 10, state police said today.
The call for help came into state police at 3:30 a.m., according to state police in Northampton, whose barracks are one mile south of the restaurant.
The restaurant, on a section of the state highway known as West Street, appears to be completely burned out, he said.
Traffic is flowing slowly through a single lane on that section of Route 5 as firefighters continue to work at the scene, he said.
Besides the Hatfield Fire Department, firefighters from Northampton, Sunderland, Whately, and Deerfield helped to battle the blaze, police said.
The restaurant opened two years ago, and has earned a reputation for barbecued ribs.
State police said the place appears to have been destroyed by the fire. He said the cause of the fire has yet to be determined.
Housed in a deconsecrated church, Holy Smokes is run by partners Seth Crawford, Leslie and Lou "Papalu" Ekus.
The restaurant, at the corner of Church Street in West Hatfield, featured pews, recycled as parts of dining-room booths and oversized pig sculptures overhead.
Last year a fire burned down my friend's restaurant, A Bottle Of Bread, and we are all still recovering from it. It was a place people loved. I remember when I first moved to the area Sal and I would go and sit on the porch and be a family by the Deerfield River with the future bright bright bright. Sal and Frank and I went to Thanksgiving there before the fire...just weeks before the Dec 2005 fire and it was a happy happy time.
Well, the brave proprietress of A Bottle is now brushing off her chinos and putting a new restaurant together here in Greenfield which is almost reason enough to stay in the area. Bravo, Maggie. But then today I saw this horrible news about another one of my favorite restaurants being struck down. (see above news clipping)
I haven't been to Holy Smokes since the break up. F + I would go there almost every fortnight if not more often. The whole place stunk of our relationship so I was never quite able to recoup my ownership of the barbeque joint. Now, I see that it is burned down and I had never gone back. I miss it.
When I was a kid, my parents decided to move from the city of Syracuse into the suburbs of North Syracuse and they were very excited about their favorite restaurant being nearby their new home. A week before we all relocated to the suburbs, the place burned down.
Is it me?
Posted by The Republican Newsroom June 21, 2007 07:56AM
HATFIELD - An early morning fire has apparently destroyed the Holy Smokes BBQ and Whole Hog House restaurant on Routes 5 and 10, state police said today.
The call for help came into state police at 3:30 a.m., according to state police in Northampton, whose barracks are one mile south of the restaurant.
The restaurant, on a section of the state highway known as West Street, appears to be completely burned out, he said.
Traffic is flowing slowly through a single lane on that section of Route 5 as firefighters continue to work at the scene, he said.
Besides the Hatfield Fire Department, firefighters from Northampton, Sunderland, Whately, and Deerfield helped to battle the blaze, police said.
The restaurant opened two years ago, and has earned a reputation for barbecued ribs.
State police said the place appears to have been destroyed by the fire. He said the cause of the fire has yet to be determined.
Housed in a deconsecrated church, Holy Smokes is run by partners Seth Crawford, Leslie and Lou "Papalu" Ekus.
The restaurant, at the corner of Church Street in West Hatfield, featured pews, recycled as parts of dining-room booths and oversized pig sculptures overhead.
Last year a fire burned down my friend's restaurant, A Bottle Of Bread, and we are all still recovering from it. It was a place people loved. I remember when I first moved to the area Sal and I would go and sit on the porch and be a family by the Deerfield River with the future bright bright bright. Sal and Frank and I went to Thanksgiving there before the fire...just weeks before the Dec 2005 fire and it was a happy happy time.
Well, the brave proprietress of A Bottle is now brushing off her chinos and putting a new restaurant together here in Greenfield which is almost reason enough to stay in the area. Bravo, Maggie. But then today I saw this horrible news about another one of my favorite restaurants being struck down. (see above news clipping)
I haven't been to Holy Smokes since the break up. F + I would go there almost every fortnight if not more often. The whole place stunk of our relationship so I was never quite able to recoup my ownership of the barbeque joint. Now, I see that it is burned down and I had never gone back. I miss it.
When I was a kid, my parents decided to move from the city of Syracuse into the suburbs of North Syracuse and they were very excited about their favorite restaurant being nearby their new home. A week before we all relocated to the suburbs, the place burned down.
Is it me?
Monday, June 18, 2007
deliciously dismal
This serial monogamist (the one writing this blog) is sometimes worried about living the rest of her life alone. I have a lot of love to give and I'm choosy about where it goes. Sometimes I'm pretty sad. Sometimes I am sad and it's pretty. Like when I listen to Harry and the above.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Summer doesn't matter to me
Once a little while ago I smelled some really lovely Spring air and I was somewhat pleased for a few moments. Now, almost every day I remain sad and sluggish and a little bit ill and I don't really care about the weather or the season or anything that could be construed as happy or hopeful. I just don't have either.
Last night I dreamed about an exboyfriend. We were in a strange hotel room, I'm not sure why. For a little while, we made conversation about this and that and other niceties but it felt strained and of course it would, we haven't talked/chatted or anything for about two years. Finally in the dream he admitted that his current lover was hideous to him and this situation wasn't getting any better. At this point it became obvious to us both that we couldn't keep our hands to home and the kisses started with a torrent. The dream ended before the situation got much more heated. I don't know if I like the dream or not..I wasn't all hot and bothered in a good way when I woke up and although it felt good to be desired (in dream life), it was abruptly unreal.
I just heard a poem on the radio about the lovely of Summer and I really don't care. I am filled with anxiety and sadness constantly. I cannot stir from this mindset.
Last night I dreamed about an exboyfriend. We were in a strange hotel room, I'm not sure why. For a little while, we made conversation about this and that and other niceties but it felt strained and of course it would, we haven't talked/chatted or anything for about two years. Finally in the dream he admitted that his current lover was hideous to him and this situation wasn't getting any better. At this point it became obvious to us both that we couldn't keep our hands to home and the kisses started with a torrent. The dream ended before the situation got much more heated. I don't know if I like the dream or not..I wasn't all hot and bothered in a good way when I woke up and although it felt good to be desired (in dream life), it was abruptly unreal.
I just heard a poem on the radio about the lovely of Summer and I really don't care. I am filled with anxiety and sadness constantly. I cannot stir from this mindset.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
called you so many times today
and i guess it's all true what your girlfriends say. That you don't ever want to see me again and your brother's gonna kill me and he's six feet ten.
I love that old police song. I loved it back when I first heard it in the eighties and I've loved it every time I have heard it since then, up to right now.
I haven't blogged on this page since last November. "Have you been blogging somewhere else?" Stern Face, shaking finger. yeah, and no. Still doing my zine, getting up on issue #14 and still haven't gotten over my ex. It's been over a year since I was told by him that he hadn't loved me for two years and I still can't stop being crazy in love with him. Now, it is a sickness, in my mind, in my heart. I have gone on dates and none of them have gotten near to his magic-his thing, I don't know. Just this morning I was lying in bed wide awake at 7:30 (unheard of for a lazybones like me), fantasizing about our getting back together scenarios. Oy, veh.
I was pretty sad and I am sad now. At least then I was still premenstrual!
I guess you'd call it suicide but I'm too full to swallow my pride. I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing...Can't stop losing YOU!
I love that old police song. I loved it back when I first heard it in the eighties and I've loved it every time I have heard it since then, up to right now.
I haven't blogged on this page since last November. "Have you been blogging somewhere else?" Stern Face, shaking finger. yeah, and no. Still doing my zine, getting up on issue #14 and still haven't gotten over my ex. It's been over a year since I was told by him that he hadn't loved me for two years and I still can't stop being crazy in love with him. Now, it is a sickness, in my mind, in my heart. I have gone on dates and none of them have gotten near to his magic-his thing, I don't know. Just this morning I was lying in bed wide awake at 7:30 (unheard of for a lazybones like me), fantasizing about our getting back together scenarios. Oy, veh.
I was pretty sad and I am sad now. At least then I was still premenstrual!
I guess you'd call it suicide but I'm too full to swallow my pride. I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing...Can't stop losing YOU!
Sunday, November 19, 2006
poor little dog
frank brought a guitar over today and got cranky when i asked him to take away something that he had left behind. Pickles was very happy and excited to see his old friend and after Frank left i still have a stomach ache and Pickles is looking out every window over and over. i hate feeling this way.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
reluctantdate
i have a date in fifteen minutes and im not even dressed yet.
who knows, he could end up being the love of my life
but with this crush on a married guy, i'm feeling halfhearted.
we're going to see Borat.
i'm looking forward to laughing pretty hard.
more later.
Later=the movie was okay, not as funny as i had hoped.
great fucking meatloaf sandwich at the wagon wheel.
that's all i have to report.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
let's save september for when i'm happy~
i didn't even realize it but monday marked my 4 year anniversary of buying and living in my bricker. i love it, it is a very beautiful house. i just wish i had the money to really make it the gorgeous showboat it deserves to be. i wish some very cool roommate who loves my dog would appear and make it all happen (by paying rent the roommate loosens up some of my cash which would go into the house, duh).
today at work i had a happy moment when i peeped into my boss' office and saw her on the phone holding a toostie roll lollypop. that is the kind of boss i want and it is what i got-yay for me.
working on The Observation Deck #11 right now...Zoology is coming. uh, oh, someone in the office is trying to talk to me...
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
coca cola turns you into a nazi
so, i lost my job at the video store. "lost" it is right. i recieved a call yesterday afternoon from the enuch manager who told me that the August schedule was redone and i was not on it. no reason, no rhyme, nothing. just, "i'm sorry"
i don't really want to work there. i have been bitching about it ever since i began. but the bottom line is that i need the money. i have the real job which pays for 87% of my bills the other 13% of the bills, not to mention my food, dog food, money for...assorted items like meds and shampoo...gas for the car? all comes from the extra job income. it was just enough to keep me together. now what?
my house is big. i need a roommate. it is the obvious thing to do, but will/can i ever find anyone compatible with me and my dog? i went on craigs list and called 2 people. one responded and he seems reasonable. i looked up his name on google and found him. he is a phish fan! can i live with a fan of phish? i don't know.
i don't really want to work there. i have been bitching about it ever since i began. but the bottom line is that i need the money. i have the real job which pays for 87% of my bills the other 13% of the bills, not to mention my food, dog food, money for...assorted items like meds and shampoo...gas for the car? all comes from the extra job income. it was just enough to keep me together. now what?
my house is big. i need a roommate. it is the obvious thing to do, but will/can i ever find anyone compatible with me and my dog? i went on craigs list and called 2 people. one responded and he seems reasonable. i looked up his name on google and found him. he is a phish fan! can i live with a fan of phish? i don't know.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
further and further
i get pretty sad sometimes thinking that i lost the love of my life and i am never going to find another one. when i was a kid i was a misanthrope and indeed i imagined that when i was a grown up i would live alone in my house in the woods with my animals and not have to deal with anyone. and so here i am. i feel like less and less people and attachments are happening and i am becoming more isolated.
i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.
i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.
that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.
i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.
i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.
that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.
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