so it hurts a little less, i guess

sometimes when i fantasize about kissing mr. x1 1/2 who i have had an unholy crush on since September, 2001, the pain of separating from the boyfriend is dampened a slight bit. although i know mr. x1 is not interested in kissing me, this doesn't seem to matter that much. the unholy crush lives on.

make it stop

because it hurts all the time. all the time. i think, i should cheer up, but i can't because i want to cry and just stop hurting and breathing and feeling and this sounds so dramaqueen and all but it still hurts every fucking minute, it hurts.

List of Today

come on now.
Here is my list:
Real Annoying: when a woman at work who i generally dislike says to my boss, "can you john hancock it?" meaning, will he sign it, therefore turning the phrase, "can i get your john hancock?" inside out, making "john hancock" a verb, and completely making me want to throw up.
Kind of Annoying: in the midst of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer craze, the second dvd of the fourth season has been out for an entire week and i, loath to go out of order, am left hanging like an icicle!
Crushingly Sad: just before waking i had a real dreamy belief that Frank was laying in bed beside me and the last six months hadn't happened and i woke up believing i was not alone but i was.
Reassuringly Real: the dog was happy to wake me at 8:22 with a short bark and when i stumbled downstairs to let him out the back the air was fresh fresh fresh sunny late spring air and he bounded outside with all the boastful confidence a dog could have.
Inspiring: Friend Learns French With Ease.
Rewarding: Frontyard looks nice where i spent 40 minutes gardening yesterday.
Anachronistically Amusing: Good friend had left a message on my phone at work which i recieved when i got in this morning apologizing for her tough love realism regarding my overwhelming crush on guy A-1.

cranberry and vodka

so, besides a man i have had a crush on since before my exboyfriend, i found a virtual stranger to admire and harass. it hasn't worked successfully, though.
Last night i discovered how wonderful cranberry and vodka tasted and felt. at karaoke i sang...shucks, i don't remember. well, with my friend roma i sang, "is she really going out with him?" which was fun and then i soloed at the end of the night with.....huh. i don't remember. i didn't black out though, i remember being up there singing...i just asked a coupla my friends who were there what i sang and none of them can remember either. huh. the vodka and cranberrys sure were tasty.

Hey! I remember now! It don't come easy by Ringo! duh.
it was kick-ass too.
Love, Me

chairs are for sitting

i'll never be as good as that other girl

could it be more simple?
two lonely people
finding each other
old friends
loving each other
and the common sense, the
love-in-the-same-demographic
is pleasing in that second cousin
old time incestuous way
romantic life relationships
between two old friends
is most beneficial
when i know i'll never be as good

but you work too much
you are too fatalistic
i could love you for sure
but i am sure to suffer
from your demise.

my own bloggishness

i just read my last post in here and i like it. it reads easily, it says what i was feeling at the time and i enjoy reading the thing.
i don't feel exactly that way anymore. Time has lent me its easy chair and i am not as in love as i was before. i see things that he did in a cruel way or just unfeelingly and i am disappointed. i look at him and don't see the really great stuff i used to see and was so entrenched with loving. ok, maybe that sentence does not flow as easily as the last blog, oh well. recovery is a rough road.

Romance and love has always been big with me. i hope that i will have that again in my life. Meanwhile, i really love my house and my dog is a goodie and i can think of a few projects to do...

Someone promised me forever

i just have to say out loud that i can't believe how disappointed i am in life.
i guess i am disappointed in relationships and the endurance of love.
i met someone, he blew me away with ardor and promises of forever. He asked me how long i had been with this guy or that guy and i answered 10 years, 5 years and asked why he asked and he answered because i want to know when you will stop wondering when i will leave, i want to know when i reach a milestone where we can relax.
he wrote a song about how actuaries are the only ones who know how long he will be with me because they are the only ones who can estimate how long he will live. with him i believed in forever. i settled in. i dealt with myself and tried to sort out other things in my life knowing he was a constant.

four years later he finally admits he doesn't love me any more. he fell out of love with me long ago and was just waiting to see if it would come back. it hadn't. i said, if you don't love me then go away.
should i settle for being with someone, loving someone who is just hanging around waiting to see if maybe he will love me again? i thought no.
it would be so easy to say yes. because i love him i want to be with him. it is easy and comfortable being with him.
but he doesn't reach for me, kiss me, hold me or sing to me any more.
i thought today of the times in bed when i may have been restless or maybe he was restless and he would sing as i drifted to sleep. that was nice.that was the best.
in the first month we were together i woke up to him singing to me, "I resolved to call her up A thousand times a day And ask her if she'll marry me In some old fashioned way "
we never got married. we just broke up.does love stay?

magic snow

I was displeased and disjointed to find the moving van blocking my small car into the driveway. I felt I was not allowed to escape the horrible proceedings which were occurring inside the sanctuary which is my home. As i swept the inch and a half off my windshield and windows i contemplated the space between the very large and upsetting truck which i hated to acknowledge and the house next door. It looked like i could squeeze through. i started Ramon and he took me away.
At the cafe koko i bought a large red eye and read the advocate. i don't think anyone noticed me. it was nice to sit there somewhat invisibly and observe the goings on. i didn't try to stop the tears but i definitely choked down all my sobs. the last time i cried alone in a coffeeshop was the fall of 2001 at Look Diner. i was definitely less obtrusive today.

mary todd lincoln would manipulate her father into buying her new dresses by crying. i manipulated myself through this day.

Almost everything is okay, i guess

well, then. yesterday i had a horrible interaction via email with the (ex) boyfriend and i couldn't deal with seeing him around the house last night so i took off for an overnight with my friend R who's partner was out of town. we hung out and watched the idiot box, drank beer, talked, i skimmed through People magazine, read a little of my book about mary todd lincoln...blah blah. we went to bed @ midnight and the bed in her guest bedroom was nice but not my bed, you know and the pillows made the bulging disc in my neck uncomfortable and i was almost going to throw on my coat, grab my stuff and make the 20- minute trek home. i got out of bed and looked in the closet where there was a fabulous mush pillow with has an indent for your neck and i got back in bed with it.......
i fell asleep instantly.
the next morning i took a long shower, enjoying all their yummy products (i cannot afford all the products i would like to have in my bathroom-i am a showergel and lotion whore for sure-and got dressed with Eddy the dog watching me, it's okay, Eddy is a girl-and went to work. my neck feels a little bit off. my emotions are totally screwed up. i hate trying to get over Frank. i want him to come over because i want to see him because i love him but i don't want to see him because i don't feel like i can get over him when i do see him but i hate the whole idea of getting over him because i love him and want to be with him but obviously it is totally over so i need to get over him so i shouldn't see him but i hate not seeing him----aaaahhhhh!!!

secret agent blog

I keep thinking about this blog site that i have and never use and i sometimes think of using it to post all my super secret blogs that i can't put on the stupid myspace. i could write about how frank took me out to dinner last night and i fantasized all day about how he was going to ask me to take him back because he realized what a dummy he is and i could write about how he made me cry when he asked me for a necklace that i thought he had bought for me and how at the restaurant when i almost cried he told me to "cut it out". yikes.

The dog likes balls

I feel a little queasy. My dog and I walk around our neighborhood one maybe two times a day. Everytime he sees a ball, any ball, a basketball, a soccerball, some other dog's tennis ball, a child's dodgeball-type ball...any ball he sees he goes after which often includes lunging on the end of his leash, pulling my arm. He pulls hard-I have a bulging neck-disc to prove it-and I cannot let him have just any ball he wants. I feel that if there is a ball in someone's yard it is not his ball to have so I usually pull him along.

For about a week now he and I have been obsessed with a whiffle ball on the other side of a chainlink fence. It just sits there deserted by its owner. Pickles is crazy for it. The first time he saw it he reached through the fence and whined for it. The next time he attempted digging under the fence for it. The third time he stuck his nose through and then dug a little underneath. I let a couple days go by and then yesterday we visited and the ball had moved. The dog was able to reach through the fence and inadvertently batted the ball further away and I could tell the physical contact excited him somewhat. He started to dig and I pulled him away. Today we walked by a different yard and he went nuts for one of those heavy plastic children's bowling balls that was loitering in a yard. We kept walking. We walked by our friend the whiffle ball and he stuck his nose through and wanted to dig. we walked on.

yesterday

i took the dog on the mile-Columbus ave walk and on the way up my favorite street i saw a young woman with big dirty-blond hair pull up in her '80s type big sedan and glance at me and Pickles then go across the street to one of the well-kept homes and proceed to look around in the screened-in porch and other places around but not inside the house almost as if someone said, "i'll leave it in the bush over by the garden spigot." thing is, she wasn't finding whatever she was seeking and as much as i wanted to stare at her not only was i feeling conspicuous but she went around the corner to the back.
as the dog and i continued on she drove by in her grand am and vermont license plate. i paid attention to her so much i guess because she was the kind of girl i would like to set my boyfriend up with-odd as that may seem i could see her giving him a hard time and him going along with it.
she wasn't skinny and that hair...and her tough girl attitude. he loves her.

Today is Friday April whatevah

and i just wanted to add a comment onto School For The Dead's The Livingrockumentary site and all of a sudden i have a blog. how sudden. I am going to have to ponder this.
I already post journally in www.myspace.com/Groovy and Livejournal.com so i wonder what's up with this site---i guess it could be all about my zine and how i struggle with it. Instead of working on the zine i could input here. how deliciously procrastinational.