poor little dog

frank brought a guitar over today and got cranky when i asked him to take away something that he had left behind. Pickles was very happy and excited to see his old friend and after Frank left i still have a stomach ache and Pickles is looking out every window over and over. i hate feeling this way.

reluctantdate

i have a date in fifteen minutes and im not even dressed yet.
who knows, he could end up being the love of my life
but with this crush on a married guy, i'm feeling halfhearted.

we're going to see Borat.
i'm looking forward to laughing pretty hard.
more later.

Later=the movie was okay, not as funny as i had hoped.
great fucking meatloaf sandwich at the wagon wheel.
that's all i have to report.

let's save september for when i'm happy~

i didn't even realize it but monday marked my 4 year anniversary of buying and living in my bricker. i love it, it is a very beautiful house. i just wish i had the money to really make it the gorgeous showboat it deserves to be. i wish some very cool roommate who loves my dog would appear and make it all happen (by paying rent the roommate loosens up some of my cash which would go into the house, duh).

today at work i had a happy moment when i peeped into my boss' office and saw her on the phone holding a toostie roll lollypop. that is the kind of boss i want and it is what i got-yay for me.

working on The Observation Deck #11 right now...Zoology is coming. uh, oh, someone in the office is trying to talk to me...

coca cola turns you into a nazi

so, i lost my job at the video store. "lost" it is right. i recieved a call yesterday afternoon from the enuch manager who told me that the August schedule was redone and i was not on it. no reason, no rhyme, nothing. just, "i'm sorry"

i don't really want to work there. i have been bitching about it ever since i began. but the bottom line is that i need the money. i have the real job which pays for 87% of my bills the other 13% of the bills, not to mention my food, dog food, money for...assorted items like meds and shampoo...gas for the car? all comes from the extra job income. it was just enough to keep me together. now what?

my house is big. i need a roommate. it is the obvious thing to do, but will/can i ever find anyone compatible with me and my dog? i went on craigs list and called 2 people. one responded and he seems reasonable. i looked up his name on google and found him. he is a phish fan! can i live with a fan of phish? i don't know.

further and further

i get pretty sad sometimes thinking that i lost the love of my life and i am never going to find another one. when i was a kid i was a misanthrope and indeed i imagined that when i was a grown up i would live alone in my house in the woods with my animals and not have to deal with anyone. and so here i am. i feel like less and less people and attachments are happening and i am becoming more isolated.

i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.

i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.

that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.

i love a donut

i'm not married. never have been.
the man i work with (we share a 6 ft X 10 ft office, our desks perpendicular to each other, my back is to him but i hear every whistle, every mutter) is almost 70 years old. he has been married for some 40 years, maybe even 45 years. i am amazed by that. i guess it gives me hope but not really because i am a different generation. in fact, i am my own generation. i share my generation with no other human. the baby boomer generation ended, i was born and then the X generation began a minute later, leaving me quite alone, my own generation. That's why i cannot find a mate...everyone is in a different generation and my potential lifemates start out thinking, "huh, she's pretty interesting...and a freak in the sack to boot...whoa, these cookies are amazing! She's so great." but then our generations rear their incapatible heads and i lose.

well, this man found someone in his generation who loves and puts up with him and he is a lucky man. I just overheard him on the phone say to someone who he is supposed to meet tomorrow morning: "I'll try to get there by 10 but sometimes my wife doesn't let me leave the house.......it's not what you think. When I am about to leave she gives me a honey, do list."

i wish i had someone who i could trade honeydew lists with.

ya ever wonder?

IF YOU WILL EVER be happy again?
i do.
where is that asteroid?
come back.

another dream

last sunday i finished my zine, #10, and i was pretty psyched. on monday some friends came over who needed help with the poster for the harvest supper here in g'field so we did that and then they left. They also left behind the remains of a 6 pack of very nice beer, the kind of microbrew ale i go apeshit over. i drank four beers monday night while writing notes to people and addressing the zine envelopes. i wonder what my notes read. anyway, tuesday morning i got up and stumbled down my attic bedroom stairs and landed on my right little toe, fucking it up pretty good and so i have been staggering/limping all week. good times.
did you get my zine yet? what did my note say? did it profess undying love for you? sorry about that. i do remember writing a beer-ridden email to my friend Chris telling him his nerdy-html talk was a turn on. i'm not really that sorry about that.
i think the zine turned out wicked great. it comes with free stickers!
this morning i woke up from another dream about Mr. x1 1/2. it was another very pleasant, very friendly sweet dream but i wish i remembered more of it so i can relive it over and over.

the very best from scratch

who has the best homemade rubberband ball you've ever seen? yes, ME.
i started this with the very first rubberband. i don't go in for those
ready-made rubberband balls. and this sucker can bounce!

ssshhhh.

ok, so there is this guy, mr. x1 1/2 who i have loved secretly for many years. you know this. so, yesterday i went swimming with a friend and then came home to work on my zine and have a vodka tonic, it was all very nice. so, about fifteen minutes after the drink i rise from the computer and float downstairs to the tv room where it is more shady and cool and my dog is there and i just sort of decide to nap.

so i lay down and quickly fall asleep in the lovely july five oclock air with Pickles hanging out nearby which was nice for companionship but just far enough away not to heat me up with his dog radiation. i wake up drooling pretty good two hours later after having the nicest dream about mr. x1 1/2. He and I were hanging out and using a digital camera together which in reality i really need a new one so that is why that was a prominent key in the dream. He and I were laughing and smiling and really connecting in the dream in the most lovely way. i had a great time. i wish i could live in that dream forever.

so it hurts a little less, i guess

sometimes when i fantasize about kissing mr. x1 1/2 who i have had an unholy crush on since September, 2001, the pain of separating from the boyfriend is dampened a slight bit. although i know mr. x1 is not interested in kissing me, this doesn't seem to matter that much. the unholy crush lives on.

make it stop

because it hurts all the time. all the time. i think, i should cheer up, but i can't because i want to cry and just stop hurting and breathing and feeling and this sounds so dramaqueen and all but it still hurts every fucking minute, it hurts.

List of Today

come on now.
Here is my list:
Real Annoying: when a woman at work who i generally dislike says to my boss, "can you john hancock it?" meaning, will he sign it, therefore turning the phrase, "can i get your john hancock?" inside out, making "john hancock" a verb, and completely making me want to throw up.
Kind of Annoying: in the midst of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer craze, the second dvd of the fourth season has been out for an entire week and i, loath to go out of order, am left hanging like an icicle!
Crushingly Sad: just before waking i had a real dreamy belief that Frank was laying in bed beside me and the last six months hadn't happened and i woke up believing i was not alone but i was.
Reassuringly Real: the dog was happy to wake me at 8:22 with a short bark and when i stumbled downstairs to let him out the back the air was fresh fresh fresh sunny late spring air and he bounded outside with all the boastful confidence a dog could have.
Inspiring: Friend Learns French With Ease.
Rewarding: Frontyard looks nice where i spent 40 minutes gardening yesterday.
Anachronistically Amusing: Good friend had left a message on my phone at work which i recieved when i got in this morning apologizing for her tough love realism regarding my overwhelming crush on guy A-1.

cranberry and vodka

so, besides a man i have had a crush on since before my exboyfriend, i found a virtual stranger to admire and harass. it hasn't worked successfully, though.
Last night i discovered how wonderful cranberry and vodka tasted and felt. at karaoke i sang...shucks, i don't remember. well, with my friend roma i sang, "is she really going out with him?" which was fun and then i soloed at the end of the night with.....huh. i don't remember. i didn't black out though, i remember being up there singing...i just asked a coupla my friends who were there what i sang and none of them can remember either. huh. the vodka and cranberrys sure were tasty.

Hey! I remember now! It don't come easy by Ringo! duh.
it was kick-ass too.
Love, Me

chairs are for sitting

i'll never be as good as that other girl

could it be more simple?
two lonely people
finding each other
old friends
loving each other
and the common sense, the
love-in-the-same-demographic
is pleasing in that second cousin
old time incestuous way
romantic life relationships
between two old friends
is most beneficial
when i know i'll never be as good

but you work too much
you are too fatalistic
i could love you for sure
but i am sure to suffer
from your demise.

my own bloggishness

i just read my last post in here and i like it. it reads easily, it says what i was feeling at the time and i enjoy reading the thing.
i don't feel exactly that way anymore. Time has lent me its easy chair and i am not as in love as i was before. i see things that he did in a cruel way or just unfeelingly and i am disappointed. i look at him and don't see the really great stuff i used to see and was so entrenched with loving. ok, maybe that sentence does not flow as easily as the last blog, oh well. recovery is a rough road.

Romance and love has always been big with me. i hope that i will have that again in my life. Meanwhile, i really love my house and my dog is a goodie and i can think of a few projects to do...

Someone promised me forever

i just have to say out loud that i can't believe how disappointed i am in life.
i guess i am disappointed in relationships and the endurance of love.
i met someone, he blew me away with ardor and promises of forever. He asked me how long i had been with this guy or that guy and i answered 10 years, 5 years and asked why he asked and he answered because i want to know when you will stop wondering when i will leave, i want to know when i reach a milestone where we can relax.
he wrote a song about how actuaries are the only ones who know how long he will be with me because they are the only ones who can estimate how long he will live. with him i believed in forever. i settled in. i dealt with myself and tried to sort out other things in my life knowing he was a constant.

four years later he finally admits he doesn't love me any more. he fell out of love with me long ago and was just waiting to see if it would come back. it hadn't. i said, if you don't love me then go away.
should i settle for being with someone, loving someone who is just hanging around waiting to see if maybe he will love me again? i thought no.
it would be so easy to say yes. because i love him i want to be with him. it is easy and comfortable being with him.
but he doesn't reach for me, kiss me, hold me or sing to me any more.
i thought today of the times in bed when i may have been restless or maybe he was restless and he would sing as i drifted to sleep. that was nice.that was the best.
in the first month we were together i woke up to him singing to me, "I resolved to call her up A thousand times a day And ask her if she'll marry me In some old fashioned way "
we never got married. we just broke up.does love stay?

magic snow

I was displeased and disjointed to find the moving van blocking my small car into the driveway. I felt I was not allowed to escape the horrible proceedings which were occurring inside the sanctuary which is my home. As i swept the inch and a half off my windshield and windows i contemplated the space between the very large and upsetting truck which i hated to acknowledge and the house next door. It looked like i could squeeze through. i started Ramon and he took me away.
At the cafe koko i bought a large red eye and read the advocate. i don't think anyone noticed me. it was nice to sit there somewhat invisibly and observe the goings on. i didn't try to stop the tears but i definitely choked down all my sobs. the last time i cried alone in a coffeeshop was the fall of 2001 at Look Diner. i was definitely less obtrusive today.

mary todd lincoln would manipulate her father into buying her new dresses by crying. i manipulated myself through this day.

Almost everything is okay, i guess

well, then. yesterday i had a horrible interaction via email with the (ex) boyfriend and i couldn't deal with seeing him around the house last night so i took off for an overnight with my friend R who's partner was out of town. we hung out and watched the idiot box, drank beer, talked, i skimmed through People magazine, read a little of my book about mary todd lincoln...blah blah. we went to bed @ midnight and the bed in her guest bedroom was nice but not my bed, you know and the pillows made the bulging disc in my neck uncomfortable and i was almost going to throw on my coat, grab my stuff and make the 20- minute trek home. i got out of bed and looked in the closet where there was a fabulous mush pillow with has an indent for your neck and i got back in bed with it.......
i fell asleep instantly.
the next morning i took a long shower, enjoying all their yummy products (i cannot afford all the products i would like to have in my bathroom-i am a showergel and lotion whore for sure-and got dressed with Eddy the dog watching me, it's okay, Eddy is a girl-and went to work. my neck feels a little bit off. my emotions are totally screwed up. i hate trying to get over Frank. i want him to come over because i want to see him because i love him but i don't want to see him because i don't feel like i can get over him when i do see him but i hate the whole idea of getting over him because i love him and want to be with him but obviously it is totally over so i need to get over him so i shouldn't see him but i hate not seeing him----aaaahhhhh!!!