When I was young..

I never broke a bone. I burned my toe on a hot coal, I squirted hydrochloride acid into my eye but never had a cast. Last year I fell down my bedroom stairs and sprained/broke a toe pretty bad. Those stairs got me again. Last Tuesday I lost it on the bottom 3 and found myself with feet flapped back and knees scraped. I though, ow, and wanted to tear up but the tears didn't start until after I was fully dressed and ready to go to work and I realized I couldn't walk out to my car. A day later, after hearing, "Did you go to the doctor?" enough, I finally did and found out that I fractured my...tibia? They sent me along to an orthopedic doctor who did another xray and showed me the break. ow. it gave me the willies just looking at it.

The doctor told me to put no weight onto the ankle and it would take 12-twelve-weeks to heal. That is an outside guessitmate, right? There is no way I could be feeling like this until September 26th..no way.

I'm just sitting around drinking too much and having a little retail therapy in the bobblehead section of ebay. I need more female bobbleheads. There used to be some Hillary Clinton bobbleheads but not no more, rats.

And I thought I was isolated before.

When I was young, I never needed anyone...

Hatfield restaurant burns in 'Holy Smoke'
Posted by The Republican Newsroom June 21, 2007 07:56AM

HATFIELD - An early morning fire has apparently destroyed the Holy Smokes BBQ and Whole Hog House restaurant on Routes 5 and 10, state police said today.

The call for help came into state police at 3:30 a.m., according to state police in Northampton, whose barracks are one mile south of the restaurant.

The restaurant, on a section of the state highway known as West Street, appears to be completely burned out, he said.

Traffic is flowing slowly through a single lane on that section of Route 5 as firefighters continue to work at the scene, he said.

Besides the Hatfield Fire Department, firefighters from Northampton, Sunderland, Whately, and Deerfield helped to battle the blaze, police said.

The restaurant opened two years ago, and has earned a reputation for barbecued ribs.

State police said the place appears to have been destroyed by the fire. He said the cause of the fire has yet to be determined.

Housed in a deconsecrated church, Holy Smokes is run by partners Seth Crawford, Leslie and Lou "Papalu" Ekus.

The restaurant, at the corner of Church Street in West Hatfield, featured pews, recycled as parts of dining-room booths and oversized pig sculptures overhead.

Last year a fire burned down my friend's restaurant, A Bottle Of Bread, and we are all still recovering from it. It was a place people loved. I remember when I first moved to the area Sal and I would go and sit on the porch and be a family by the Deerfield River with the future bright bright bright. Sal and Frank and I went to Thanksgiving there before the fire...just weeks before the Dec 2005 fire and it was a happy happy time.



Well, the brave proprietress of A Bottle is now brushing off her chinos and putting a new restaurant together here in Greenfield which is almost reason enough to stay in the area. Bravo, Maggie. But then today I saw this horrible news about another one of my favorite restaurants being struck down. (see above news clipping)

I haven't been to Holy Smokes since the break up. F + I would go there almost every fortnight if not more often. The whole place stunk of our relationship so I was never quite able to recoup my ownership of the barbeque joint. Now, I see that it is burned down and I had never gone back. I miss it.

When I was a kid, my parents decided to move from the city of Syracuse into the suburbs of North Syracuse and they were very excited about their favorite restaurant being nearby their new home. A week before we all relocated to the suburbs, the place burned down.

Is it me?

deliciously dismal

This serial monogamist (the one writing this blog) is sometimes worried about living the rest of her life alone. I have a lot of love to give and I'm choosy about where it goes. Sometimes I'm pretty sad. Sometimes I am sad and it's pretty. Like when I listen to Harry and the above.

Summer doesn't matter to me

Once a little while ago I smelled some really lovely Spring air and I was somewhat pleased for a few moments. Now, almost every day I remain sad and sluggish and a little bit ill and I don't really care about the weather or the season or anything that could be construed as happy or hopeful. I just don't have either.

Last night I dreamed about an exboyfriend. We were in a strange hotel room, I'm not sure why. For a little while, we made conversation about this and that and other niceties but it felt strained and of course it would, we haven't talked/chatted or anything for about two years. Finally in the dream he admitted that his current lover was hideous to him and this situation wasn't getting any better. At this point it became obvious to us both that we couldn't keep our hands to home and the kisses started with a torrent. The dream ended before the situation got much more heated. I don't know if I like the dream or not..I wasn't all hot and bothered in a good way when I woke up and although it felt good to be desired (in dream life), it was abruptly unreal.

I just heard a poem on the radio about the lovely of Summer and I really don't care. I am filled with anxiety and sadness constantly. I cannot stir from this mindset.

I'm sad

I can't get it goin'.

called you so many times today

and i guess it's all true what your girlfriends say. That you don't ever want to see me again and your brother's gonna kill me and he's six feet ten.

I love that old police song. I loved it back when I first heard it in the eighties and I've loved it every time I have heard it since then, up to right now.

I haven't blogged on this page since last November. "Have you been blogging somewhere else?" Stern Face, shaking finger. yeah, and no. Still doing my zine, getting up on issue #14 and still haven't gotten over my ex. It's been over a year since I was told by him that he hadn't loved me for two years and I still can't stop being crazy in love with him. Now, it is a sickness, in my mind, in my heart. I have gone on dates and none of them have gotten near to his magic-his thing, I don't know. Just this morning I was lying in bed wide awake at 7:30 (unheard of for a lazybones like me), fantasizing about our getting back together scenarios. Oy, veh.
I was pretty sad and I am sad now. At least then I was still premenstrual!

I guess you'd call it suicide but I'm too full to swallow my pride. I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing I can't I can't I can't stop losing...Can't stop losing YOU!

poor little dog

frank brought a guitar over today and got cranky when i asked him to take away something that he had left behind. Pickles was very happy and excited to see his old friend and after Frank left i still have a stomach ache and Pickles is looking out every window over and over. i hate feeling this way.

reluctantdate

i have a date in fifteen minutes and im not even dressed yet.
who knows, he could end up being the love of my life
but with this crush on a married guy, i'm feeling halfhearted.

we're going to see Borat.
i'm looking forward to laughing pretty hard.
more later.

Later=the movie was okay, not as funny as i had hoped.
great fucking meatloaf sandwich at the wagon wheel.
that's all i have to report.

let's save september for when i'm happy~

i didn't even realize it but monday marked my 4 year anniversary of buying and living in my bricker. i love it, it is a very beautiful house. i just wish i had the money to really make it the gorgeous showboat it deserves to be. i wish some very cool roommate who loves my dog would appear and make it all happen (by paying rent the roommate loosens up some of my cash which would go into the house, duh).

today at work i had a happy moment when i peeped into my boss' office and saw her on the phone holding a toostie roll lollypop. that is the kind of boss i want and it is what i got-yay for me.

working on The Observation Deck #11 right now...Zoology is coming. uh, oh, someone in the office is trying to talk to me...

coca cola turns you into a nazi

so, i lost my job at the video store. "lost" it is right. i recieved a call yesterday afternoon from the enuch manager who told me that the August schedule was redone and i was not on it. no reason, no rhyme, nothing. just, "i'm sorry"

i don't really want to work there. i have been bitching about it ever since i began. but the bottom line is that i need the money. i have the real job which pays for 87% of my bills the other 13% of the bills, not to mention my food, dog food, money for...assorted items like meds and shampoo...gas for the car? all comes from the extra job income. it was just enough to keep me together. now what?

my house is big. i need a roommate. it is the obvious thing to do, but will/can i ever find anyone compatible with me and my dog? i went on craigs list and called 2 people. one responded and he seems reasonable. i looked up his name on google and found him. he is a phish fan! can i live with a fan of phish? i don't know.

further and further

i get pretty sad sometimes thinking that i lost the love of my life and i am never going to find another one. when i was a kid i was a misanthrope and indeed i imagined that when i was a grown up i would live alone in my house in the woods with my animals and not have to deal with anyone. and so here i am. i feel like less and less people and attachments are happening and i am becoming more isolated.

i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.

i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.

that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.

i love a donut

i'm not married. never have been.
the man i work with (we share a 6 ft X 10 ft office, our desks perpendicular to each other, my back is to him but i hear every whistle, every mutter) is almost 70 years old. he has been married for some 40 years, maybe even 45 years. i am amazed by that. i guess it gives me hope but not really because i am a different generation. in fact, i am my own generation. i share my generation with no other human. the baby boomer generation ended, i was born and then the X generation began a minute later, leaving me quite alone, my own generation. That's why i cannot find a mate...everyone is in a different generation and my potential lifemates start out thinking, "huh, she's pretty interesting...and a freak in the sack to boot...whoa, these cookies are amazing! She's so great." but then our generations rear their incapatible heads and i lose.

well, this man found someone in his generation who loves and puts up with him and he is a lucky man. I just overheard him on the phone say to someone who he is supposed to meet tomorrow morning: "I'll try to get there by 10 but sometimes my wife doesn't let me leave the house.......it's not what you think. When I am about to leave she gives me a honey, do list."

i wish i had someone who i could trade honeydew lists with.

ya ever wonder?

IF YOU WILL EVER be happy again?
i do.
where is that asteroid?
come back.

another dream

last sunday i finished my zine, #10, and i was pretty psyched. on monday some friends came over who needed help with the poster for the harvest supper here in g'field so we did that and then they left. They also left behind the remains of a 6 pack of very nice beer, the kind of microbrew ale i go apeshit over. i drank four beers monday night while writing notes to people and addressing the zine envelopes. i wonder what my notes read. anyway, tuesday morning i got up and stumbled down my attic bedroom stairs and landed on my right little toe, fucking it up pretty good and so i have been staggering/limping all week. good times.
did you get my zine yet? what did my note say? did it profess undying love for you? sorry about that. i do remember writing a beer-ridden email to my friend Chris telling him his nerdy-html talk was a turn on. i'm not really that sorry about that.
i think the zine turned out wicked great. it comes with free stickers!
this morning i woke up from another dream about Mr. x1 1/2. it was another very pleasant, very friendly sweet dream but i wish i remembered more of it so i can relive it over and over.

the very best from scratch

who has the best homemade rubberband ball you've ever seen? yes, ME.
i started this with the very first rubberband. i don't go in for those
ready-made rubberband balls. and this sucker can bounce!

ssshhhh.

ok, so there is this guy, mr. x1 1/2 who i have loved secretly for many years. you know this. so, yesterday i went swimming with a friend and then came home to work on my zine and have a vodka tonic, it was all very nice. so, about fifteen minutes after the drink i rise from the computer and float downstairs to the tv room where it is more shady and cool and my dog is there and i just sort of decide to nap.

so i lay down and quickly fall asleep in the lovely july five oclock air with Pickles hanging out nearby which was nice for companionship but just far enough away not to heat me up with his dog radiation. i wake up drooling pretty good two hours later after having the nicest dream about mr. x1 1/2. He and I were hanging out and using a digital camera together which in reality i really need a new one so that is why that was a prominent key in the dream. He and I were laughing and smiling and really connecting in the dream in the most lovely way. i had a great time. i wish i could live in that dream forever.

so it hurts a little less, i guess

sometimes when i fantasize about kissing mr. x1 1/2 who i have had an unholy crush on since September, 2001, the pain of separating from the boyfriend is dampened a slight bit. although i know mr. x1 is not interested in kissing me, this doesn't seem to matter that much. the unholy crush lives on.

make it stop

because it hurts all the time. all the time. i think, i should cheer up, but i can't because i want to cry and just stop hurting and breathing and feeling and this sounds so dramaqueen and all but it still hurts every fucking minute, it hurts.

List of Today

come on now.
Here is my list:
Real Annoying: when a woman at work who i generally dislike says to my boss, "can you john hancock it?" meaning, will he sign it, therefore turning the phrase, "can i get your john hancock?" inside out, making "john hancock" a verb, and completely making me want to throw up.
Kind of Annoying: in the midst of my Buffy the Vampire Slayer craze, the second dvd of the fourth season has been out for an entire week and i, loath to go out of order, am left hanging like an icicle!
Crushingly Sad: just before waking i had a real dreamy belief that Frank was laying in bed beside me and the last six months hadn't happened and i woke up believing i was not alone but i was.
Reassuringly Real: the dog was happy to wake me at 8:22 with a short bark and when i stumbled downstairs to let him out the back the air was fresh fresh fresh sunny late spring air and he bounded outside with all the boastful confidence a dog could have.
Inspiring: Friend Learns French With Ease.
Rewarding: Frontyard looks nice where i spent 40 minutes gardening yesterday.
Anachronistically Amusing: Good friend had left a message on my phone at work which i recieved when i got in this morning apologizing for her tough love realism regarding my overwhelming crush on guy A-1.

cranberry and vodka

so, besides a man i have had a crush on since before my exboyfriend, i found a virtual stranger to admire and harass. it hasn't worked successfully, though.
Last night i discovered how wonderful cranberry and vodka tasted and felt. at karaoke i sang...shucks, i don't remember. well, with my friend roma i sang, "is she really going out with him?" which was fun and then i soloed at the end of the night with.....huh. i don't remember. i didn't black out though, i remember being up there singing...i just asked a coupla my friends who were there what i sang and none of them can remember either. huh. the vodka and cranberrys sure were tasty.

Hey! I remember now! It don't come easy by Ringo! duh.
it was kick-ass too.
Love, Me