Sunday, October 07, 2007

am i ever going to get over him?

This weekend my dad came to visit and my dog was so excited about company that he tipped over a crappy table which had my coffee machine on it. My coffee machine fell on the floor and met its demise.

It was really dead. This bummed me out. Maybe that makes no sense to anyone but I felt crappy about the whole dealio. That coffee machine dates back to when I lived with CE and he bought it when he and I were together drinking coffee and living at our house together with our kid. When we broke up and I moved out, he wasn't drinking coffee so I was able to take it with me, no harm no foul. There were many things in that house that I didn't take because I didn't want my kid to see me..I don't know, rip the house apart and dissasemble? I left stuff there that I liked. Years went by and CE and his girlfriend brought stuff to me that they took out of the house, that they didn't want some of the stuff wasn't even mine. Some of the stuff was stuff I gave to my kid and maybe he should have kept, to remind him of me, I don't know. But they brought shit to me that I didn't want or even feel attached to. There was stuff still that I would have liked. Of course they kept that and always resented me for leaving the crap in the house that they brought to me. How ironic.

Anyway, the coffeemachine was old but I loved it. I repaired it many times. I was attached. I was sentimental. I want it forever to be in my life, a reminder of happy times. The dog broke it this past Friday night. I can't even say how that hurt me. It is fucking stupid and absurd. I bouth a better one to replace it for only $15. But I would have paid double that to just have the old one with the discolored stickers and crappy stains. Slowly, everything in my life is replaced by soulless crap, just so I can make coffee or whatever.

There is a bag of brown paper bags in my pantry which used to be fvp's. They are helpful. I use the bags occasionally and I like them. I'm glad I don't have to buy the brown paper bag I like to use about once a month. But there are times, like today, when I think about that bag of bags still at my house and I look at my new coffee machine, which I don't really like, and I think about how fvp has a girlfriend but I don't have anybody and what that says is that he is better and more attractive than I am. And I feel sad and alone. I remember that CE has had a lover since a month or 2 after he and I broke up and I know he is better and more attractive than I and I realize nothing means anything. Everything is empty and hollow and there is no meaning or power in anything or anywhere. I don't have anything to offer anyone and I understand sometimes why I am alone. It doesn't make it easier.

I would like to watch a movie on tv tonight-I'm pretty sick and that is all I am doing right now-but I know this movie is one of FVP's favorites. I feel like it will remind me of him and how I will never feel his love again. I feel afraid and sad to watch it.