Wednesday, August 30, 2006

let's save september for when i'm happy~

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i didn't even realize it but monday marked my 4 year anniversary of buying and living in my bricker. i love it, it is a very beautiful house. i just wish i had the money to really make it the gorgeous showboat it deserves to be. i wish some very cool roommate who loves my dog would appear and make it all happen (by paying rent the roommate loosens up some of my cash which would go into the house, duh).

today at work i had a happy moment when i peeped into my boss' office and saw her on the phone holding a toostie roll lollypop. that is the kind of boss i want and it is what i got-yay for me.

working on The Observation Deck #11 right now...Zoology is coming. uh, oh, someone in the office is trying to talk to me...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

coca cola turns you into a nazi

so, i lost my job at the video store. "lost" it is right. i recieved a call yesterday afternoon from the enuch manager who told me that the August schedule was redone and i was not on it. no reason, no rhyme, nothing. just, "i'm sorry"

i don't really want to work there. i have been bitching about it ever since i began. but the bottom line is that i need the money. i have the real job which pays for 87% of my bills the other 13% of the bills, not to mention my food, dog food, money for...assorted items like meds and shampoo...gas for the car? all comes from the extra job income. it was just enough to keep me together. now what?

my house is big. i need a roommate. it is the obvious thing to do, but will/can i ever find anyone compatible with me and my dog? i went on craigs list and called 2 people. one responded and he seems reasonable. i looked up his name on google and found him. he is a phish fan! can i live with a fan of phish? i don't know.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

further and further

i get pretty sad sometimes thinking that i lost the love of my life and i am never going to find another one. when i was a kid i was a misanthrope and indeed i imagined that when i was a grown up i would live alone in my house in the woods with my animals and not have to deal with anyone. and so here i am. i feel like less and less people and attachments are happening and i am becoming more isolated.

i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.

i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.

that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.