Monday, February 27, 2006

Someone promised me forever

i just have to say out loud that i can't believe how disappointed i am in life.
i guess i am disappointed in relationships and the endurance of love.
i met someone, he blew me away with ardor and promises of forever. He asked me how long i had been with this guy or that guy and i answered 10 years, 5 years and asked why he asked and he answered because i want to know when you will stop wondering when i will leave, i want to know when i reach a milestone where we can relax.
he wrote a song about how actuaries are the only ones who know how long he will be with me because they are the only ones who can estimate how long he will live. with him i believed in forever. i settled in. i dealt with myself and tried to sort out other things in my life knowing he was a constant.

four years later he finally admits he doesn't love me any more. he fell out of love with me long ago and was just waiting to see if it would come back. it hadn't. i said, if you don't love me then go away.
should i settle for being with someone, loving someone who is just hanging around waiting to see if maybe he will love me again? i thought no.
it would be so easy to say yes. because i love him i want to be with him. it is easy and comfortable being with him.
but he doesn't reach for me, kiss me, hold me or sing to me any more.
i thought today of the times in bed when i may have been restless or maybe he was restless and he would sing as i drifted to sleep. that was nice.that was the best.
in the first month we were together i woke up to him singing to me, "I resolved to call her up A thousand times a day And ask her if she'll marry me In some old fashioned way "
we never got married. we just broke up.does love stay?

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