Someone promised me forever

i just have to say out loud that i can't believe how disappointed i am in life.
i guess i am disappointed in relationships and the endurance of love.
i met someone, he blew me away with ardor and promises of forever. He asked me how long i had been with this guy or that guy and i answered 10 years, 5 years and asked why he asked and he answered because i want to know when you will stop wondering when i will leave, i want to know when i reach a milestone where we can relax.
he wrote a song about how actuaries are the only ones who know how long he will be with me because they are the only ones who can estimate how long he will live. with him i believed in forever. i settled in. i dealt with myself and tried to sort out other things in my life knowing he was a constant.

four years later he finally admits he doesn't love me any more. he fell out of love with me long ago and was just waiting to see if it would come back. it hadn't. i said, if you don't love me then go away.
should i settle for being with someone, loving someone who is just hanging around waiting to see if maybe he will love me again? i thought no.
it would be so easy to say yes. because i love him i want to be with him. it is easy and comfortable being with him.
but he doesn't reach for me, kiss me, hold me or sing to me any more.
i thought today of the times in bed when i may have been restless or maybe he was restless and he would sing as i drifted to sleep. that was nice.that was the best.
in the first month we were together i woke up to him singing to me, "I resolved to call her up A thousand times a day And ask her if she'll marry me In some old fashioned way "
we never got married. we just broke up.does love stay?

magic snow

I was displeased and disjointed to find the moving van blocking my small car into the driveway. I felt I was not allowed to escape the horrible proceedings which were occurring inside the sanctuary which is my home. As i swept the inch and a half off my windshield and windows i contemplated the space between the very large and upsetting truck which i hated to acknowledge and the house next door. It looked like i could squeeze through. i started Ramon and he took me away.
At the cafe koko i bought a large red eye and read the advocate. i don't think anyone noticed me. it was nice to sit there somewhat invisibly and observe the goings on. i didn't try to stop the tears but i definitely choked down all my sobs. the last time i cried alone in a coffeeshop was the fall of 2001 at Look Diner. i was definitely less obtrusive today.

mary todd lincoln would manipulate her father into buying her new dresses by crying. i manipulated myself through this day.

Almost everything is okay, i guess

well, then. yesterday i had a horrible interaction via email with the (ex) boyfriend and i couldn't deal with seeing him around the house last night so i took off for an overnight with my friend R who's partner was out of town. we hung out and watched the idiot box, drank beer, talked, i skimmed through People magazine, read a little of my book about mary todd lincoln...blah blah. we went to bed @ midnight and the bed in her guest bedroom was nice but not my bed, you know and the pillows made the bulging disc in my neck uncomfortable and i was almost going to throw on my coat, grab my stuff and make the 20- minute trek home. i got out of bed and looked in the closet where there was a fabulous mush pillow with has an indent for your neck and i got back in bed with it.......
i fell asleep instantly.
the next morning i took a long shower, enjoying all their yummy products (i cannot afford all the products i would like to have in my bathroom-i am a showergel and lotion whore for sure-and got dressed with Eddy the dog watching me, it's okay, Eddy is a girl-and went to work. my neck feels a little bit off. my emotions are totally screwed up. i hate trying to get over Frank. i want him to come over because i want to see him because i love him but i don't want to see him because i don't feel like i can get over him when i do see him but i hate the whole idea of getting over him because i love him and want to be with him but obviously it is totally over so i need to get over him so i shouldn't see him but i hate not seeing him----aaaahhhhh!!!

secret agent blog

I keep thinking about this blog site that i have and never use and i sometimes think of using it to post all my super secret blogs that i can't put on the stupid myspace. i could write about how frank took me out to dinner last night and i fantasized all day about how he was going to ask me to take him back because he realized what a dummy he is and i could write about how he made me cry when he asked me for a necklace that i thought he had bought for me and how at the restaurant when i almost cried he told me to "cut it out". yikes.