Thursday, August 03, 2006

further and further

i get pretty sad sometimes thinking that i lost the love of my life and i am never going to find another one. when i was a kid i was a misanthrope and indeed i imagined that when i was a grown up i would live alone in my house in the woods with my animals and not have to deal with anyone. and so here i am. i feel like less and less people and attachments are happening and i am becoming more isolated.

i find that thinking about my ex love is very painful and sometimes i will forget this and actually go through the thought process of imagining him calling or coming over and admitting that i am a wonderful and loving person who he can not live without and how stupid it is to be apart. i will actually enjoy this fantasy until i realize how absurd i am and the pain comes crashing in on me. sick. i forget that it is going to hurt and go through the whole fantasy. more than 5 times a week, i do this.

i know that my obsession on crush guy mr. x1 1/2 is an easier cross to bear. to think hopefully about this guy, who i know is not interested in the least bit in me, is easier to handle than to remember my extruelove. chasing after mr. x1 1/2 is easier on my heart than obsessing about the ex. not that i think that there is any hope of reciprocation but there is an element of distraction. if i continue on this tack i hope that eventually the sore sad spot derived from january's break up will heal a little and i won't have to distract myself as much. then i can let go of the impossible crush and turn my attention on straight time isolationism.

that's the ticket. now i go to shower and spend the night in the one airconditioned room of this 10 room house. i will probably indulge in a fantazy or two as i lull myself to sleep. i hope i have a nice dream about devotion.

1 comment:

debl said...

There really is no shortcut that I've ever heard of, you just have to trudge on through it. I'm still trudging, three years (I think?) later. Early on it was helpful for me to think, after another day of sadness and lonliness had ended, that at least I was done with one more day of being sad: I had taken one more tiny step forward in the healing process. Because sometimes your brain and heart need to wallow for a long time, and eventually you will work through what you need to work through. You can't rush it. So be kind to yourself.

There's my unsolicited break-up advice for you.